Tag: friendship

Release Day/Our Road to Trust

marygracewriting4 Comments

It’s here! ‘Our Road to Trust’ was officially released this morning across all online retailers.

I am so grateful for the support of my friends and family, as well as those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, and joined my newsletter as well as those who follow me on social media. Indie Authors do not succeed without you. I do not succeed without you.

Thank you for celebrating with me!

Genre: Contemporary Christian Fiction, Women’s Fiction

Book Description:
Ten women struggle to find connection in their home church as they walk through personal suffering. Can they learn to trust God and each other, or will they choose to remain in their brokenness?

Words That Pierce:
Can Mary trust God and find the courage to confront a church friend about hurtful words?

The Letter:
While Tina’s whole world begins to crumble, will a letter harden or soften her heart?

Power Off:
Will Harmony trust her mother after committing an act of deception?

Apology:
Can Amy learn to see past her anger and pain to apologize and find peace?

Broken China:
Can Rose overcome the pressure to appear as the perfect pastorโ€™s wife, face her own failings, and find help for her troubled daughter before they both fall apart?

Just Forget It:
Bethโ€™s long expected battle with forgetfulness has arrived; can she trust others for help as well as hold on to joy?

The Pill Cabinet:
Hillaryโ€™s world has become a cloud of pain. Can she walk past her pride and reach out for help, or will she begin down a dark path?

Her Choice:
Will Deboraโ€™s battle with depression and grief push her to a breaking point?

Scary Things:
At only four years old, Gloria faces one of life’s deepest losses, and when the shadows that once followed her mother notice her, can she defeat the darkness?

Prayers and Pencil Crayons:
Will Abigail step out of the shadows and into the new leadership role God has opened for her?

Order Now

Early Reader Reviews: from goodreads.com

For anyone who’s ever suffered from church hurt, this one’s for you. Ms. Van der Kroef has excellently woven several stories of women who love Jesus but have a hard time loving each other. She’s gracious and gentle when exploring their lives but still convicting in assessing the areas they need to “let go and let God” in order to commune as the Church.
A wonderful read and thought-provoking for sure. I can guarantee you’ll see yourself in this book, prompting a request for God to lovingly search your own heart.

– Ericka Clay –

This story was really fascinating and it got under my skin. What I found special was that the plot is gradually narrated by all protagonists- women who live their lives within one church community. Their stories follow and evolve with each conversation and interaction they have. It was quite playful and exciting for me to guess and realize who the narrator was and how connected she was to the previous narrator.
The climax of the book is the deadly sin of one of the women.
I got Goosebumps when reading the story.
The final scene is prodigious. It is an absolute act of humility and may be the symbol of a new start in the community.
I did not purchase the book and I read it as an early reader.

– Katarina Celkova –

Our Road To Trust by Mary Grace Van der Kroef, Mary Grace. I extend thanks to the author and publisher for the Advanced Reader Copy that was gifted to me.

This is a wonderful book full of inspiring faith based stories. The author did a good job of covering many different aspects and providing a little something for each and every reader. They were bite size nuggets of information all captured together between the covers. I highly recommend this book.

– Lisa –

I received this as an ARC reader. My opinions are my own.
This book got me from the very start. I understand โ€˜words that pierceโ€™ and Iโ€™m sure Iโ€™ve said them many times. Each womanโ€™s story wove within the others in a way that shows how completely the author understands the inner workings of how we as women think, feel, struggle, hope.
The depth in the book is amazing. Deep and complex, beautifully but sincerely written. It shows and teaches what true trust can be.

– Jen Dodrill –

Thank you to my ARC Team for your support! You can find all of their reviews on Goodreads.

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On Friendship: The Power of One

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My Mother once told me, “It’s better to have one good friend than to have many that aren’t close.”

I’ve found this statement to be true. But in the Western world, we often fall into the trap of lumping our relationships in with what culture views as “Success”, which is to have many, and more, and bigger. The big problem with this is that people are not things. Friendships can’t be hoarded like material possessions and remain strong and healthy. The more you have the more work is to maintain them.

“Things” can be stored. Even though possessions can indeed become a weight that drags a soul down, if you have enough money to pay for storage and preservation then you can keep them for quite a long time. But people? Well, people don’t keep like things do, and we can’t pay someone else to maintain our friendships. It must be a personal investment of time.

It’s also possible to have hundreds of friends, and still be lonely. But equally possible to have one true friend, and be as rich as the wealthiest man on earth. You can’t count the wealth of friendships by numbers.

“It’s better to have one good friend than to have many that aren’t close.”

Each person we come in contact with is a being of immeasurable worth. Yes, all of them. Even the ones we don’t like. How do we honour people’s worth, while being honest with how many relationships we can maintain?

First, recognize that each person is going to have a different capacity for this and even as we go through life our circumstances will change, meaning that once we could manage a crowd of good friendships, now we can only honestly hold on to a handful, and stay true. Recognize that this is normal.

Second, honesty is always better than stinging people along. It hurts to be rejected, especially when you have been looking for a true friend and then finally meet someone who you think you might be able to connect with, just to have them tell you they don’t have time for you. But trust me, it hurts way worse to be strung along with phrases like, “We need to get together sometime!” and “We’ll for sure do that!” Just to have every attempt you make to reach out shot down with, “Somethings come up, can we reschedule?” Over and over again. Make a note that it’s the repetition that’s devastating. It’s normal for life to get in the way and plans to have to change, but if it’s becoming a pattern in a relationship it’s a red flag that shows one person in the party doesn’t want to, or maybe can’t commit.

Third, you can love a friend from afar when your ability to maintain closeness changes. I’ve had to say goodbye to many friends in one form or another. I’ve also had friends that I have had to cut off, but my love for that person has not disappeared. I also don’t feel the ones I left on good terms love me any less than they did when we both had the time to enjoy each other’s company. Don’t be afraid to tell people you might not be able to handle a lot of interactions right now, but you love them, and you still care. This goes a long way in maintaining ties when you might need space, whether that’s forever, or for a short time. If someone has to walk away from you because they are overwhelmed, it can be really hard. But remember, they honoured your friendship enough, to be honest with you. If you can, tell them you will be waiting for when their circumstances change again, and you’ll be loving them just the same in the in-between.

Don’t forget the worth of the friends or friends you still hold. Cherish them, invest in them, and don’t let the ties weaken while looking around at the crowd of potential.

If you’re the one that’s lonely, remember, it only takes one good friend to change your circumstances. Treasure that one if you have it.

But what if you can’t find that one? I’ll talk about that next week.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: What if You’re Afraid of It

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesnโ€™t Mean Project

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: Be the Friend You’re Looking For

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On Friendship: What if You’re Afraid of It?

marygracewriting5 Comments

Fear of deep friendships is a very real thing in our modern world. Not only is it difficult and requires time and love to keep alive, but it also has the potential to leave deep and lasting wounds in its wake when abused.

Do you hold scars from past friendships? Have they healed? Have you abused friendships and left chaos in your wake? Most of us carry scars as well as guilt in that regard. Do these scars hold you back from seeking new friendships? How can we work past the obstacle of fear?

It starts with having honest conversations with ourselves while confronting painful memories.

I don’t want anyone to pile blame on themselves for something that wasn’t their fault, but it’s still important to examine how things fell apart. Is there something we could have handled better? Could we have been more honest with our friends from the beginning? Do we share in the blame, or where we trapped in an abusive narcissistic friendship? Were we the ones in the wrong? Should the blame be shared between both parties?

If after self-examination you find yourself guilty, it’s important to accept it. Don’t run away from the fact you have made mistakes. Being able to recognize this failure shows maturity and the potential for great growth. Now it’s time to decide if you need to seek professional counselling so you can honestly identify the why. Don’t let this scare you. You are still worthy of friendship, you still need it and you can learn to have healthy relationships while correcting your behaviour.

Did you find yourself innocent? If you’re sure, then the next question is were there red flags about the friendship that you missed? Are there things you need to learn to be careful of moving forwards? Was it a one-time mistake or does this person who hurt you make a habit of sabotaging friendships? Do you make it a habit of welcoming people into your life who abuse your trust? If this is a pattern, it’s also time to seek professional counselling. There is no shame in asking someone to help you learn how to build healthy boundaries in relationships, and it is really important to know that not every person who is looking for friendship will hurt you like you may have been hurt in the past. It is possible to find true mutual friendship. Don’t let fear stop you from shining your light and finding each other.

If you’re like most people, myself included, you may realize you hold a measure of guilt as well as having suffered some brutal wrongs. If so, it’s time to ask yourself if you started the situation, or ended it? Did you lash out when hurt? Did you strike first out of fear? Is this up and down a pattern for you? If you identify this as a rut you have fallen into its time to get out of it. How? Again, ask for help from a counsellor who will be honest with you.

Don’t wear shame as a beacon warning, or a shield against the world.

It’s time to trust again. It’s time to learn how to be a safe place for others instead of guarding against every small jab that might leave a mark. It’s also time to learn proper boundaries so that we are not crushed every time a friendship hits a bump in the road. It’s time to take responsibility for our own actions, whether good or bad. It’s time, to learn how to be friends, true friends, lasting friends, in a world that is forgetting about what it really means.

To learn these things, we must stop being afraid of each other.

I have been guilty of a lot of fear over the last few years. I have been struggling to trust again after misunderstandings, betrayals, and some selfishness. I think this is probably why I felt compelled to write this series on friendship. If you too are struggling with friendship in this way I want to encourage you. People are precious, you are precious and worth fighting for. Your friendship is a gift, a gift worth giving, and there is someone out there in this world that NEEDS it. Beyond that, there is someone in this world that wants it and you in their life.

We were created for a relationship. I pray my words shine a little bit of light in the darkness of that search to reclaim true friendship.

What are your thoughts? Do you have a story of letting go of fear and reaching for friendship? I would love to hear about it.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ The Power of One, The Weakness of Many

On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

marygracewriting4 Comments

Have you ever been treated like someone else’s project, as if by spending time with them or taking their advice they can fix you and that is the biggest reason they are investing time in you? Have you ever realized you’ve done this to someone?

“Friends are not ‘projects’ and we shouldn’t treat people or be treated in that way. “

I’m a firm believer in the power of friendship as an encouragement, a way of lifting each other up, and even helping to aline our lives down a good path, but this should be a symptom of true friendship, not the reason for it to exist.

Friends are not ‘projects’ and we shouldn’t treat people or be treated that way. Why? Three reasons stand out to me.

  1. It detracts from individual responsibility
  2. It’s condescending
  3. It’s Damaging

Individual Responsibility

Unless you’re a medical doctor you can’t ‘fix people’. Encourage them? Give them a safe person to confide in? Uphold them in difficult life circumstances? Be a voice of truth? Absolutely. These are things we should all try to do for friends when they need it. But we need to recognize that the only person that can initiate true lasting change in someone’s life, is that person. The same goes for you. Now one can change you unless you want to be changed.

“Your worthiness of friendship also doesn’t depend on how put together your life is.”

Trying to change people or letting someone run our lives in this kind of way creates a toxic co-dependent relationship. As soon as one of you gets tired of the situation and there is a brake, everything crumbles. If the ‘help’ that was being offered was bad, this crumbling can be a good thing, bringing an individual back to a place where they can start to change themselves rather than conform to someone else’s ideas. But sometimes healing from ‘help’ takes years. If the help was good but offered in the wrong way it can crush confidence and motivation, leaving an individual feeling as if they can never change.

Your worthiness of friendship also doesn’t depend on how put together your life is. Your world might be burning, but you are still capable of giving life, love, and kindness. We all have things we need to grow in, and parts of us that may need to be discarded so that healthy growth can happen, no one is perfect.

It’s Condescending

Let me repeat myself, “No one is perfect.” This is something we say all the time but never listen to. It can be used as a crutch, an excuse to stay the way we are even though we know something might need to change, but it’s also an uncomfortable reminder that we are never better than another human being. That is really what’s at the core of feeling a need to change someone. It’s looking down our noses at people as if they are less than us because they may struggle with something we see as bad.

3 โ€œWhy do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brotherโ€™s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, โ€˜Let me take the speck out of your eye,โ€™ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brotherโ€™s eye.”

– Matthew 7 NIV Holly Bible –

This bible verse gives me a powerful visual of two friends picking at each other’s faces, refusing to acknowledge they might actually not be able to see clearly enough to help the other remove the problem. Ouch… Can you imagine the pain those individuals would be inflicting on each other?

Let’s take a step back and realize that even if our desire is to help a friend, we might not have the right tools, knowledge, or capacity to actually help, and admitting that is completely okay. Locking the ability to fix someone also doesn’t make you less than others, it makes you pretty normal.

It’s Damaging

When we tinker in people’s lives and minds it can leave scars much like an unqualified surgeon leaves if he messes around in someone’s gut having no idea what he is cutting and throwing away. Can you imagine letting someone like that cut you open? It’s a horrifying thought.

If our intentions are truly for the betterment of the people we love we have a responsibility to tread carefully and be honest with our ability to help and not hurt. Also, be careful who you allow to become close enough to have access to those eyes that might have a speck of dust in them or a log. Any offers of advice or actionable help should be given with respect, not condescension.

Also, if we do not enter into friendship with honest intentions we run the risk of damaging someone’s ability to trust.

–

Some things to consider about our friendships:

Do we truly enjoy the person we are investing time and advice in, and do they enjoy us?

Are we confident in the friendship would last if the ‘help’ being offered is refused or doesn’t work?

Are we free to reject the advice being given?

–

I have said it before while writing this series on friendship, but relationships are hard, complex, and also worth the work. Unless it’s a doctor-to-patient/counsellor-to-client relationship, its purpose is not to ‘fix’ but to support.

Is there something you would like to add to this discussion? Please do so in the comment section. This write-up is by no means an extensive guild to friendship, but if it’s made you think, it’s done its job. Thank you for reading.

Mary Grace van der Kroef

Websites referenced in this article:

Bible Gateway

Previous Post – On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ What if Youโ€™re Afraid of It?

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On Friendship: In Person

marygracewriting3 Comments

Old fashioned, shoulder-to-shoulder, roll up your sleeves together, yell and scream if you need to then make-up kind of friendships, have always been on the scarce side. But today’s world of separation, ‘othering’ of people who believe differently than you, alienated families, and virtual meeting places have almost rendered them visibly extinct. Those of you who still retain the closest of in-person human friendships, please know you are truly blessed.

Fighting for those kinds of relationships is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears. But take note I didn’t say peaceful friendships, easy friendships, or quiet friendships, although those kinds are also a blessing and very important. It’s the friendships we must fight for that tend to grow the deepest strongest roots, and in times of trouble as well as calm produce the sweetest fruits. I also don’t believe that this level of deepness can be reached in a virtual friendship.

If you read last week’s post On Friendship: Virtual Friendship you will know I’m in no way against online relationships. In fact, I think they are pretty important in this changing world. But, they should never take the place of in-person interactions if we can help it. Face-to-face communication and connection are what humans were built for.

“Fighting for those kinds of relationships is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears. “

So what do modern in-person friendships look like these days? I don’t think casual friendships have changed all that much over the last few decades. It’s still about going out with friends for drinks, catching a movie, and sharing a laugh. Going and doing is still very much a part of it all, especially for younger people. It’s the ‘staying and being’ that I have seen change. We are so busy that we slip friends into the rush of our lives but tend to exclude them from the quiet moments when we come up for breath from the busyness. Have they become just another responsibility we long to take a break from? Friendship is work, and building a friendship to a deep level requires A LOT of time. So yes, we are so busy that the modern human often lumps friends into a group of draining activities. This is true for introverts especially. But I think extroverts are much more tired than they might realize.

Why is this?

We have lost the ability to ‘rest’ in friendship. Of course, this isn’t going to be true for everyone and every relationship, but since relationships take work to build and we are so busy we often don’t have in-person time for each other. Fewer and fewer of us are able to form friendships we can ‘rest’ in. Friendships where you don’t feel like you have to show up looking and feeling your best to participate. Even for an introvert, just being with someone who enjoys your presence so much that the messy living room doesn’t matter, gives you rest. Friendships where you can just be you, and you know you are wanted, friendships where silence is acceptable and the need to entertain each other isn’t constant while still sharing each other’s company, are a lost art form.

I remember those friendships, and I long for them with a deep ache. Have you ever experienced companionship like that?

“Have they become just another responsibility we long to take a brake from?”

This kind of friendship that you can ‘rest’ in is also going to look different for each of us since we all have our unique ways we show love and receiving it in turn. But it’s become exceedingly rare to KNOW someone at that kind of level. We just don’t have time for it.

Or do we?

There is another reason for this I’ve been mulling over. In our collective growing exhaustion, we’ve all become very needy people. We sometimes need much more from our relationships with others than we can give in return. This creates a deficit in relationships. Friendships should be a give and a take.

So what do we do when we simply can NOT give the same as what someone else is offering us? Or what do we do when a friend asks for more than they can give back?

I think we need to realize that everyone brings something to the table of friendships, it’s being able to recognize exactly what that is first, and not expect to get something they are not able to offer. We do not want our friendships to become co-dependencies. Boundaries, even while endeavouring to form strong bonds, are important. Being able to respect the boundaries of others is equally as important.

Friendship isn’t always about doing fun things, sometimes it looks like cleaning someone’s living room before leaving their house, not to shame them, but to give them a few more moments of rest in their day. Or letting someone act out their offer of help to clear the table when we’ve invited them for a dinner party. This thought is going to horrify some of you. That’s okay, as they are only a few examples of letting someone step out of an entertainment role and inviting them into a more active role in a relationship. Perhaps for some, it might simply be asking advice, and taking the time to truly listen to the ideas offered back. (With cell phones left in pockets while others talk) The point is being ACTIVELY engaged in each other’s lives. Not just having fun.

“Friendship isn’t always about doing fun things, sometimes it looks like cleaning someone’s living room before leaving their house, not to shame them, but to give them a few more moments of rest in their day.”

To cultivate long-lasting and deep in-person friendships our perspectives need to change. Going out isn’t always going to be possible. But sitting together in someone back yard or living room is something almost everyone can afford. I love the kind of people who want to spend that kind of time with me, especially when they don’t care if my hair is properly brushed or not. Doing life together doesn’t always look like ‘doing and going’. But doing life together is what friendship is all about.

What do you think? It’s not possible for me to explore every part of in-person friendship in a single blog post. I would LOVE to hear your ideas in the comments. Want me to write about something specifically? Let me know. Disagree with me? I would love to hear why.

How do you prioritize and maintain in-person friendships? How do you open the door for those relationships to grow beyond casual friendships?

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: Virtualย Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Givingย Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesnโ€™t Mean Project

Forthcoming Post – What if You’re Afraid of It?

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On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

marygracewriting5 Comments

How to say โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€ is one of the most important lessons we learn as children. But saying the words and actually meaning them doesnโ€™t always come naturally. Itโ€™s hard.

Telling someone we forgive them is the next important lesson we learn. But again, do we really mean those words when we say them? Thatโ€™s also hard.

Both phrases are ones Iโ€™ve used a lot during my 35 years of life on this earth. When you grow up in a large family, itโ€™s just a way of life as you constantly interact with other peopleโ€™s space, property, and hearts. I learned how to say Iโ€™m sorry, but I also learned how to fake it. (Yes, I was a huge stinker as a little girl.)

The need to use the words โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€ hasnโ€™t decreased with age. In fact, itโ€™s become more important as I live alongside my husband, teach my children the importance of these words, and grow adult friendships. I say them a lot and truth be told, Iโ€™m still learning to mean them every time. Iโ€™m constantly reminding myself that my perspective isnโ€™t the only valid one, so even if I think I shouldnโ€™t have to say it, I still do, because itโ€™s not always about guilt in a situation, but empathy, too.

Iโ€™m also Canadian, and saying sorry really slips out of our mouths all the time.

But when it comes to forgiveness, Iโ€™ve really struggled. I donโ€™t mean itโ€™s simply something Iโ€™ve I hard time saying. No, I mean Iโ€™ve done battle with this concept in my innermost being after the words have already passed my lips. Sometimes the betrayal of others sticks to you like tar, marking your soul just as black as the person who hurt youโ€ฆ

Thatโ€™s why itโ€™s so important. Unforgiveness is a poison that will slowly eat away at your mind and soul. Itโ€™s also impossibly hard to give in its true form, even in the closest of relationships. Itโ€™s something you have to be constantly choosing because even after you think youโ€™ve finally been able to release that โ€˜thingโ€™ or โ€˜personโ€™ or โ€˜situationโ€™ your mind will decide to circle back and give it a good sniff again, just like a dog and its vomit.

So how do you do it? How do you really let your โ€˜I forgive youโ€™ mean what itโ€™s supposed to mean? How do you stop returning to the betrayal, the hurtful moment, or words that have imprinted in your mind, the grief that penetrated past a physical heart to touch your soul?

There is only one way Iโ€™ve learned to do it, and thatโ€™s giving that moment, that memory, that emotion, to the person who has forgiven me the most: Jesus Christ. For someone who doesnโ€™t share my faith that might seem laughable, even weak, and honestly, thatโ€™s okay, because I am weak. But Jesus is strong, and the most forgiving being in the universe. He is also the epitome of empathy, and he understands the pain that draws me back to that vomit pile. He understands the pull for what it really is, grief.

See, as humans, I believe our souls, minds, and bodies are in a constant state of grief. Grief for what once was in our world, and grief in losing our innocence. But I digress, and if someone who has a different belief system, then I would like to invite them to share how they forgive in the comment section.

โ€“

So what does giving forgiveness actually look like apart from saying the words โ€˜I forgive youโ€™?

Well, itโ€™s not giving people a free pass to walk all over you again. But it can look like inviting them back into your life and home and trusting them again. It doesnโ€™t have to though. Some forgiveness looks like upholding boundaries and giving people a chance to prove that they have changed and wonโ€™t repeat their mistakes. It can also be given without inviting the person who did the hurting back to a close friendship. But forgiveness almost always requires action, just like friendship.

When forgiveness is especially hard for me personally, it looks like holding a constant silent prayer on my tongue. โ€œPlease help me forgive. Please help me let go, and trust again. Please help me be wise in how I welcome someone back in to my life. Please help me be brave in how I tell them just what hurts.โ€

True forgiveness requires honesty. You can forgive someone without confronting them about something they have said or done, but giving them a chance to say โ€˜Iโ€™m sorryโ€™, often helps us release that forgiveness in to the relationship. If we chose not to tell the person what they have done to hurt us, then we at least have to be honest with ourselves and not take more of the blame for a situation than needed.

โ€“

Itโ€™s not possible to fully explore forgiveness in one blog post. People have written books on it and still we as humans struggle to understand its depths and how it really works. But letโ€™s move on from giving it to receiving it.

โ€“

It can be equally hard to receive forgiveness as it is to give it. There are many reasons for this and again itโ€™s not possible to talk about all of them here, but two that stand out the most to me are shame and denial.

Some people donโ€™t believe they are worthy of forgiveness, and honestly, none of us really are. That is the beauty of true forgiveness though, it is an act of pure love.

When a wrong is committed, we canโ€™t go back and change it. Justice demands action. But justice handed out without forgiveness at its right hand can easily turn in to vengeance and spoil the act of justice with traces of hate.

Justice without forgiveness can not bring healing, and often the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. When we have an understanding of what right and wrong is and we know we have committed an offence against a friend, someone we are supposed to care for and love, well, we blanket ourselves in shame. And it is shameful, but we all do it. No one is perfect, and when we deny ourselves forgiveness that friends and family members hand us, we stop healing; sometimes for both parties.

Receiving forgiveness is an act of humility as well. It means we understand we have hurt someone, and this feeds in to the second reason so many of us have a hard time with it. Denial.

When our sorry isnโ€™t real, when we hold on to the idea that โ€œI didnโ€™t mean to hurt you so I shouldnโ€™t have to say those words and donโ€™t truly need forgiveness,โ€ or when we hold on to the belief that we were justified in our actions even if they hurt someone, is cuts forgiveness short.

These are sticky situation that are often so hard to sort out, and really how often are hurts in a friendship the soul responsibility of one person? More often than not, both parties need to give and receive forgiveness at some level. Maybe that is the key to it all, being open to acknowledging how we hurt others even as they hurt us.

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This is not a comprehensive guide to forgiveness, but I hope it has started a conversation in your heart as you read it. Typing it out has definite helped solidify a better understanding of it in my own heart. I would love to hear your thoughts on forgiveness in the comment section.

Thank you.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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On Friendship: My First Friend

marygracewriting7 Comments

There are seven people I will eternally be grateful for. They are my brothers and sisters and each one has taught me many valuable lessons about human relationships.

I am the third eldest in a family of eight kids and my first friend was my older sister. She was my first playmate, my first protector, and my first source of grief.

Grif? Oh, Yes.

Up’s and downs are a normal part of every relationship, including friendship and sisterhood. This is why the bonds we form in early childhood are so important. They teach us resistance, respect, and loyalty when grown in a healthy way. Of course, they can leave wounds so deep it takes a lifetime to heal as well. But if a child is sheltered too much and not taught friendship from an early age, true connection will always be difficult at best, or unattainable at worst.

What were some of your earliest friendships like? were they with family members? Or perhaps you were an only child and had to look outside the walls of your first home to find friends? Who were they? How did they impact you as you grew?

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My earliest memories contain flashes of playing in our room with dolls and stuffed animals. My sister had this brown pug puppy with a wrinkled brow and I had Purple Monkey who was really a bear but looked like a monkey with a short tail to me. (He lives in my little ones’ room now and still looks like a Purple Monkey to me.) When we lived out in the woods while my father was a logger, we shared a bunk bed. We got chickenpox at the same time and learned alongside each other when our parents decided to homeschool their kids.

For many years my older sister was a constant in my everyday. I had to learn how to connect, react, and live beside her as our relationship evolved with age. We are three years apart and so for a long time, I was ‘the baby’ sister, both treasured but also reviled. After all, who wants the baby tagging along on adventures ALL THE TIME? Not my older brother and sister.

Still, my sister was often my guard as well. She told my older brother off when unnessasarry words were said, or his rough play became too much or dangerous. Boundaries were learned. “Don’t go there Mary, it’s not safe. I’ll tell Mom!” or “Look what you did to her? How could you? Run back to the house Mary, it’s going to be okay.” She helped me grow an awareness of others, and how I affected them at the same time they affected me.

Sisters, treasures, and there is really none quite like mine.

I am also an older sister, I have a handful of siblings I put threw the paces myself as we all searched for our spot in the family. I’ll tell you they didn’t all appreciate the ‘lessons’ I passed on to them. I could be just as mean as my older brother and as the string of little people following us grew it wasn’t just my older sister’s job to protect me, she was also protecting them FROM me. So, we all learned repentance and forgiveness together. The need for justice in the face of cruelty. The fact that no matter how deeply someone lives you, they will at times still say and do mean things, and whether you want to or not there are times when you just can’t cut people out of your life. Not when you’re all homeschooled and stuck living in the country together anyway. This forced deep bonds that for most of us still hold after decades of wear.

She has become a safe place for me. I don’t use that safe place as much as I probably should because I’m still prone to thinking I can just do things myself. But when the hurt runs deep she is instinctively the first place I run to, even above my mother.

Do you have a friend like that? I know not everyone does. It’s also hard to BE that friend at times, it shows great strength of character, being willing to welcome people and their burdens into your life over and over again.

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If you find yourself without that kind of friendship or removed from it for some reason, I just want to encourage you to not give up cultivating new friendships. It’s never too late to plant the seeds that might grow into a bond that is stronger than time and distance. The key ingredient to growing something like that is TIME, the key to retaining friendship like that, is humility and forgiveness.

If you find personal investment, humility, or forgiveness hard, it’s okay. It’s never too late to start learning them. I believe the first step is simply to ask for help. Read a book on friendship, pray for an open heart, and then ask God for someone to help you put into practice what you have learned. But be prepared to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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On Friendship: What is it?

marygracewriting10 Comments

Do we still know?

Last week we explored the meaning of the word ‘friend’ and how it has evolved, as all words and languages do. Now let’s explore what friendship might look like in today’s world.

The meaning of the word ‘friend’ has widened greatly over the past decades, so what friendships look like will also vary. Friendship is no longer something reserved for people who we get to know face to face but is something that stretches over great distances. I think there’s still one key element that links all levels of friendship, and this thing has not changed with the passing of time. That thing is the investment of time itself. If two people have not made that investment in each other, be it in person, over video calls, phone calls, texts, or some form of social media, there is no relationship. Therefore no friendship. Without that expenditure you may know of someone’s existence, but nothing beyond that other than perhaps a few surface facts they have shared publicly.

Last week we also talked about words in relationship to ‘friend’. These words help clarify the connection between two people. Let’s start with acquaintances.

  1. a person known to one, but usually not a close friend.
  2. the state of being acquainted or casually familiar with someone or something: As far as I know, no one of my acquaintance has travelled around the world.
Dictionary.com

These are just two of the definitions for the word acquaintance.

A second key component of friendship is an emotional connection of some kind. So is an acquaintance a friend? Well, some of them may be, and some of them are not. I think it depends on the individuals and how much care they generally offer to others on the first meeting. This emotional connection doesn’t have to be very big, but it does need to be something that sets a person firmly in their mind. If the interaction is forgettable, how can the seed of a friendship be planted? Every acquaintance has the potential to become a casual friendship, but we don’t always care enough to plant that seed.

If there was some kind of connection made, then comes the investment of time. Do we care enough about this potential relationship to water it by interacting again?

This is where I think we often fail each other in the modern world. We are so busy, we may not even have the energy to care after an interaction with a new person. Hurt might hold us back, and fear, anger, and anxiety. These barriers to starting friendships are by no means new, but I believe have become more concentrated. Friendship is work after all, just like any relationship.

Fast Friends:

Have you ever met someone and the connection was so strong that it felt like this person had always been in your life? Trust comes easily, you can’t wait to spend time growing whatever this wild friendship thing is. Friendships like these are treasures and have the potential to transform into something deep and long-lasting. But the truth is, very few of them do. Why?

They were not made nor meant to last. These friendships are beautiful moments and can refresh us like a cup of cool water on a hot lonely day, but there is only so much water in that cup. They can not sustain. Perhaps the two individuals find out they are too different and when a disagreement happens the bond is just not strong enough to withstand the pressure. Or maybe time can just not be found to grow the friendship. Perhaps one individual struggles with long-distance relationships of any kind, or the opposite, finding it hard to stay open while meeting in person. Maybe something hurtful is said or done and one friend chooses to walk away, unable or unwilling to mend the breach. It can be devastating when these friends are lost like lightning, just like they were found.

They can also be addictive. If we fall into the pattern of making fast friends and losing them in quick succession they can also be very damaging. We can become afraid to make those connections at all or think that lightning high is the mark of true friendship and if that spark isn’t there at the beginning a relationship isn’t worth tending to.

It takes great wisdom, and flexibility to know when to let go. But know that these friendships are worth having even when they are destined to end. If you never take the chance, you will never find the rare few that will transform into lifelong bonds.

Old Family Friends:

These people have always been in your life, and maybe there has even been a family connection for generations, but they come with expectations. “Of course, we have to invite them to the Christmas party! It’s expected.” You might carry a deep love for these people, or not, but the interactions have been too many to count. Whether you like them or not these people are counted as friends, the time investment has buried those roots deep. They are more like family.

This breed of friend is something I see dying in modern culture. More people are learning boundaries and upholding them. For the first time in a long time, we are being told it’s OKAY to say no to people who are ‘toxic’, even if they are family. Social media has given us tools to stay connected but separated, blocking or muting people right and left. This can be good, but it also comes with dangers. No relationship is easy, and difficult people are still worthy of time and love. Again it takes discernment to know how to handle friends that have always been but might not always be wanted.

What kind of friend do you want? What kind of friend are you?

Surprise Gems:

These people, oh these people, they pop up out of nowhere and add value to your life in spades. Maybe they start as fast friends, or maybe they are old friends that never really got close to you until the time was just right. They might even be reluctant friends, or someone you never liked at all, but for whatever reason one of you reached out in a deep way and now you have no idea how you could ever live without them. When you find one of these friends, don’t ever let them go.

This holding on doesn’t look like a stranglehold though. Sometimes they even require vast amounts of space and time away, years even. But that space doesn’t matter, when you come together again it’s like you were never apart.

Do these friends still exist?

They have become rarer than ever. There are so many reasons for this and I would love to know why you think that might be. Have you ever had one? Been one? Or viewed a relationship like this from the outside?

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There are so many different levels to each of these kinds of friendships. They vary from person to person and social media has transformed how they can begin and be sustained. But I am curious… Do we still take that time investment seriously? Do we know how to hurt people with, cry with people, and work with people? Or are we content to just be around for the smiles and then walk away with every disagreement, inconvenience, or misunderstanding?

It’s not possible to have deep friendships with everyone, and it’s also not healthy to try. But it’s imperative to true human happiness and health to have true friends. We won’t find those gems unless we look for them, and hold on to them when we find them.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

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Dictionary.com

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On Friendship: The Word Friend

marygracewriting9 Comments

What does the word ‘friend’ mean?

Language changes with time, ideas as well, and what we once thought of as a friend has also changed. When I looked up the word ‘friend’ and its definitions, I found something that highlights this fact.

The 6th example of the word ‘friend’ as found at dictionary.com

6. a person associated with another as a contact on a social media website: We’ve never met, but we’re Facebook friends.

dictionary.com

I shouldn’t really have been surprised by the inclusion of this new definition of a friend, but I was. To friend, someone is also defined on the same page. So it seems it’s official, our whole modern concept of friendship has shifted. My generation was the first to think of people we’d never met in person as ‘friends’, and as someone who lived in a small community as a child and teen, it opened up my world in a huge way. I’ll talk about this more in a future post. The point is, this shift had been coming for a long time and it is here to stay.

A more traditional view of the word is still relevant.

  1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
dictionary.com

Whether in person or virtually, this definition covers the surface meaning of ‘friend’. For you to be my friend I have to think well of you in some way, I have to care about you on some level. If there is no care, there is no friendship. So the word ‘friend’ is tied to human emotions, and not just physical proximity.

There are so many words associated with a friend, like acquaintance, buddy, partner, pal, mate, familiar, comrade, associate, and colleague. Each of these words adds a new layer to a relationship. Friend left alone, has become quite a veg term in modern English and part of me mourns this. But another part acknowledges the need for a wide term. I have personally experienced and held affection for people I’ve never met, and will never meet in person. They are in fact, my friends. But I also find the limits of the English language frustrating as I long for a friendship that sinks deeper, with no one word to describe what I feel we lack.

In the book Ann of Green Gables, Lucy Maud Montgomery used the term ‘bosom friend’. I always loved that term, picturing someone I would be unafraid of embracing and holding close to my heart. It is this that I feel has vanished from modern culture. As we can see, a friend has become a term we use to describe people of little if almost no interaction, yet we still hold threads of affection for these people or we wouldn’t care to scroll through highlights of their lives on social media.

The origins of the word ‘friend’ are fascinating and I encourage you to read this short post on the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language on its root words and the Old English verb frฤ“on, “to love, like, honor, set free (from slavery or confinement).” Who would have thought such an everyday word could be so deep?

These rich roots are something I wish humans were better at remembering as we wonder about the paths of changing communication. What do you think?

I hope this short look at what the word ‘friend’ means and how it has changed over time has been enlightening. It is my hope that by trying to understand this word, it will help each of us find that bosom friendship many of us seek but find elusive. Words are important and their meanings are important, for they represent deep emotions and ideas.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: My First Friend

Websites referenced in this post:

Dictionary.com

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language

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Six Word Story (107)

marygracewriting3 Comments

What does the word intimacy stir within you? For each of us it’s probably quite different, and yet the same, with flashes of moments spent with lovers or dreams of the ones we wish had wandered into our lives to stay but didn’t. But is that what intimacy really is?

I have learned it is only a small scratch on this word’s surface.

Intimacy needs have nothing to do with physical love or desire at all. True intimacy between life partners goes much deeper than alone sex could ever take you, and often the intimacy of friendship is much healthier.

It’s something every human soul longs for at our core.

Reaching for it makes us vulnerable.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but without it, true intimacy can never be achieved.

Have you experienced true intimacy? Are you still looking for it?

I would love to hear anything about your experiences and thoughts about it in the comments below. It’s a topic I think a lot about.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Photo sourced from Unsplash.com

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