Tag: woman writer

Release Day/Our Road to Trust

marygracewriting2 Comments

It’s here! ‘Our Road to Trust’ was officially released this morning across all online retailers.

I am so grateful for the support of my friends and family, as well as those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, and joined my newsletter as well as those who follow me on social media. Indie Authors do not succeed without you. I do not succeed without you.

Thank you for celebrating with me!

Genre: Contemporary Christian Fiction, Women’s Fiction

Book Description:
Ten women struggle to find connection in their home church as they walk through personal suffering. Can they learn to trust God and each other, or will they choose to remain in their brokenness?

Words That Pierce:
Can Mary trust God and find the courage to confront a church friend about hurtful words?

The Letter:
While Tina’s whole world begins to crumble, will a letter harden or soften her heart?

Power Off:
Will Harmony trust her mother after committing an act of deception?

Apology:
Can Amy learn to see past her anger and pain to apologize and find peace?

Broken China:
Can Rose overcome the pressure to appear as the perfect pastor’s wife, face her own failings, and find help for her troubled daughter before they both fall apart?

Just Forget It:
Beth’s long expected battle with forgetfulness has arrived; can she trust others for help as well as hold on to joy?

The Pill Cabinet:
Hillary’s world has become a cloud of pain. Can she walk past her pride and reach out for help, or will she begin down a dark path?

Her Choice:
Will Debora’s battle with depression and grief push her to a breaking point?

Scary Things:
At only four years old, Gloria faces one of life’s deepest losses, and when the shadows that once followed her mother notice her, can she defeat the darkness?

Prayers and Pencil Crayons:
Will Abigail step out of the shadows and into the new leadership role God has opened for her?

Order Now

Early Reader Reviews: from goodreads.com

For anyone who’s ever suffered from church hurt, this one’s for you. Ms. Van der Kroef has excellently woven several stories of women who love Jesus but have a hard time loving each other. She’s gracious and gentle when exploring their lives but still convicting in assessing the areas they need to “let go and let God” in order to commune as the Church.
A wonderful read and thought-provoking for sure. I can guarantee you’ll see yourself in this book, prompting a request for God to lovingly search your own heart.

– Ericka Clay –

This story was really fascinating and it got under my skin. What I found special was that the plot is gradually narrated by all protagonists- women who live their lives within one church community. Their stories follow and evolve with each conversation and interaction they have. It was quite playful and exciting for me to guess and realize who the narrator was and how connected she was to the previous narrator.
The climax of the book is the deadly sin of one of the women.
I got Goosebumps when reading the story.
The final scene is prodigious. It is an absolute act of humility and may be the symbol of a new start in the community.
I did not purchase the book and I read it as an early reader.

– Katarina Celkova –

Our Road To Trust by Mary Grace Van der Kroef, Mary Grace. I extend thanks to the author and publisher for the Advanced Reader Copy that was gifted to me.

This is a wonderful book full of inspiring faith based stories. The author did a good job of covering many different aspects and providing a little something for each and every reader. They were bite size nuggets of information all captured together between the covers. I highly recommend this book.

– Lisa –

I received this as an ARC reader. My opinions are my own.
This book got me from the very start. I understand ‘words that pierce’ and I’m sure I’ve said them many times. Each woman’s story wove within the others in a way that shows how completely the author understands the inner workings of how we as women think, feel, struggle, hope.
The depth in the book is amazing. Deep and complex, beautifully but sincerely written. It shows and teaches what true trust can be.

– Jen Dodrill –

Thank you to my ARC Team for your support! You can find all of their reviews on Goodreads.

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On Friendship: The Power of One

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My Mother once told me, “It’s better to have one good friend than to have many that aren’t close.”

I’ve found this statement to be true. But in the Western world, we often fall into the trap of lumping our relationships in with what culture views as “Success”, which is to have many, and more, and bigger. The big problem with this is that people are not things. Friendships can’t be hoarded like material possessions and remain strong and healthy. The more you have the more work is to maintain them.

“Things” can be stored. Even though possessions can indeed become a weight that drags a soul down, if you have enough money to pay for storage and preservation then you can keep them for quite a long time. But people? Well, people don’t keep like things do, and we can’t pay someone else to maintain our friendships. It must be a personal investment of time.

It’s also possible to have hundreds of friends, and still be lonely. But equally possible to have one true friend, and be as rich as the wealthiest man on earth. You can’t count the wealth of friendships by numbers.

“It’s better to have one good friend than to have many that aren’t close.”

Each person we come in contact with is a being of immeasurable worth. Yes, all of them. Even the ones we don’t like. How do we honour people’s worth, while being honest with how many relationships we can maintain?

First, recognize that each person is going to have a different capacity for this and even as we go through life our circumstances will change, meaning that once we could manage a crowd of good friendships, now we can only honestly hold on to a handful, and stay true. Recognize that this is normal.

Second, honesty is always better than stinging people along. It hurts to be rejected, especially when you have been looking for a true friend and then finally meet someone who you think you might be able to connect with, just to have them tell you they don’t have time for you. But trust me, it hurts way worse to be strung along with phrases like, “We need to get together sometime!” and “We’ll for sure do that!” Just to have every attempt you make to reach out shot down with, “Somethings come up, can we reschedule?” Over and over again. Make a note that it’s the repetition that’s devastating. It’s normal for life to get in the way and plans to have to change, but if it’s becoming a pattern in a relationship it’s a red flag that shows one person in the party doesn’t want to, or maybe can’t commit.

Third, you can love a friend from afar when your ability to maintain closeness changes. I’ve had to say goodbye to many friends in one form or another. I’ve also had friends that I have had to cut off, but my love for that person has not disappeared. I also don’t feel the ones I left on good terms love me any less than they did when we both had the time to enjoy each other’s company. Don’t be afraid to tell people you might not be able to handle a lot of interactions right now, but you love them, and you still care. This goes a long way in maintaining ties when you might need space, whether that’s forever, or for a short time. If someone has to walk away from you because they are overwhelmed, it can be really hard. But remember, they honoured your friendship enough, to be honest with you. If you can, tell them you will be waiting for when their circumstances change again, and you’ll be loving them just the same in the in-between.

Don’t forget the worth of the friends or friends you still hold. Cherish them, invest in them, and don’t let the ties weaken while looking around at the crowd of potential.

If you’re the one that’s lonely, remember, it only takes one good friend to change your circumstances. Treasure that one if you have it.

But what if you can’t find that one? I’ll talk about that next week.

Copyright ©2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: What if You’re Afraid of It

Previous Post – On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

Previous Post – On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post – On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post – On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post – On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: Be the Friend You’re Looking For

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Six Word Story (116)

marygracewriting4 Comments

All that is needed is a sliver of sunlight to cast darkness into corners.

Sometimes that light reveals that something wonderous has been at work.

Copyright ©2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Photo sourced from unsplash.com

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On Friendship: What if You’re Afraid of It?

marygracewriting5 Comments

Fear of deep friendships is a very real thing in our modern world. Not only is it difficult and requires time and love to keep alive, but it also has the potential to leave deep and lasting wounds in its wake when abused.

Do you hold scars from past friendships? Have they healed? Have you abused friendships and left chaos in your wake? Most of us carry scars as well as guilt in that regard. Do these scars hold you back from seeking new friendships? How can we work past the obstacle of fear?

It starts with having honest conversations with ourselves while confronting painful memories.

I don’t want anyone to pile blame on themselves for something that wasn’t their fault, but it’s still important to examine how things fell apart. Is there something we could have handled better? Could we have been more honest with our friends from the beginning? Do we share in the blame, or where we trapped in an abusive narcissistic friendship? Were we the ones in the wrong? Should the blame be shared between both parties?

If after self-examination you find yourself guilty, it’s important to accept it. Don’t run away from the fact you have made mistakes. Being able to recognize this failure shows maturity and the potential for great growth. Now it’s time to decide if you need to seek professional counselling so you can honestly identify the why. Don’t let this scare you. You are still worthy of friendship, you still need it and you can learn to have healthy relationships while correcting your behaviour.

Did you find yourself innocent? If you’re sure, then the next question is were there red flags about the friendship that you missed? Are there things you need to learn to be careful of moving forwards? Was it a one-time mistake or does this person who hurt you make a habit of sabotaging friendships? Do you make it a habit of welcoming people into your life who abuse your trust? If this is a pattern, it’s also time to seek professional counselling. There is no shame in asking someone to help you learn how to build healthy boundaries in relationships, and it is really important to know that not every person who is looking for friendship will hurt you like you may have been hurt in the past. It is possible to find true mutual friendship. Don’t let fear stop you from shining your light and finding each other.

If you’re like most people, myself included, you may realize you hold a measure of guilt as well as having suffered some brutal wrongs. If so, it’s time to ask yourself if you started the situation, or ended it? Did you lash out when hurt? Did you strike first out of fear? Is this up and down a pattern for you? If you identify this as a rut you have fallen into its time to get out of it. How? Again, ask for help from a counsellor who will be honest with you.

Don’t wear shame as a beacon warning, or a shield against the world.

It’s time to trust again. It’s time to learn how to be a safe place for others instead of guarding against every small jab that might leave a mark. It’s also time to learn proper boundaries so that we are not crushed every time a friendship hits a bump in the road. It’s time to take responsibility for our own actions, whether good or bad. It’s time, to learn how to be friends, true friends, lasting friends, in a world that is forgetting about what it really means.

To learn these things, we must stop being afraid of each other.

I have been guilty of a lot of fear over the last few years. I have been struggling to trust again after misunderstandings, betrayals, and some selfishness. I think this is probably why I felt compelled to write this series on friendship. If you too are struggling with friendship in this way I want to encourage you. People are precious, you are precious and worth fighting for. Your friendship is a gift, a gift worth giving, and there is someone out there in this world that NEEDS it. Beyond that, there is someone in this world that wants it and you in their life.

We were created for a relationship. I pray my words shine a little bit of light in the darkness of that search to reclaim true friendship.

What are your thoughts? Do you have a story of letting go of fear and reaching for friendship? I would love to hear about it.

Copyright ©2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

Previous Post – On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post – On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post – On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post – On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post – The Power of One, The Weakness of Many

On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

marygracewriting2 Comments

Have you ever been treated like someone else’s project, as if by spending time with them or taking their advice they can fix you and that is the biggest reason they are investing time in you? Have you ever realized you’ve done this to someone?

“Friends are not ‘projects’ and we shouldn’t treat people or be treated in that way. “

I’m a firm believer in the power of friendship as an encouragement, a way of lifting each other up, and even helping to aline our lives down a good path, but this should be a symptom of true friendship, not the reason for it to exist.

Friends are not ‘projects’ and we shouldn’t treat people or be treated that way. Why? Three reasons stand out to me.

  1. It detracts from individual responsibility
  2. It’s condescending
  3. It’s Damaging

Individual Responsibility

Unless you’re a medical doctor you can’t ‘fix people’. Encourage them? Give them a safe person to confide in? Uphold them in difficult life circumstances? Be a voice of truth? Absolutely. These are things we should all try to do for friends when they need it. But we need to recognize that the only person that can initiate true lasting change in someone’s life, is that person. The same goes for you. Now one can change you unless you want to be changed.

“Your worthiness of friendship also doesn’t depend on how put together your life is.”

Trying to change people or letting someone run our lives in this kind of way creates a toxic co-dependent relationship. As soon as one of you gets tired of the situation and there is a brake, everything crumbles. If the ‘help’ that was being offered was bad, this crumbling can be a good thing, bringing an individual back to a place where they can start to change themselves rather than conform to someone else’s ideas. But sometimes healing from ‘help’ takes years. If the help was good but offered in the wrong way it can crush confidence and motivation, leaving an individual feeling as if they can never change.

Your worthiness of friendship also doesn’t depend on how put together your life is. Your world might be burning, but you are still capable of giving life, love, and kindness. We all have things we need to grow in, and parts of us that may need to be discarded so that healthy growth can happen, no one is perfect.

It’s Condescending

Let me repeat myself, “No one is perfect.” This is something we say all the time but never listen to. It can be used as a crutch, an excuse to stay the way we are even though we know something might need to change, but it’s also an uncomfortable reminder that we are never better than another human being. That is really what’s at the core of feeling a need to change someone. It’s looking down our noses at people as if they are less than us because they may struggle with something we see as bad.

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

– Matthew 7 NIV Holly Bible –

This bible verse gives me a powerful visual of two friends picking at each other’s faces, refusing to acknowledge they might actually not be able to see clearly enough to help the other remove the problem. Ouch… Can you imagine the pain those individuals would be inflicting on each other?

Let’s take a step back and realize that even if our desire is to help a friend, we might not have the right tools, knowledge, or capacity to actually help, and admitting that is completely okay. Locking the ability to fix someone also doesn’t make you less than others, it makes you pretty normal.

It’s Damaging

When we tinker in people’s lives and minds it can leave scars much like an unqualified surgeon leaves if he messes around in someone’s gut having no idea what he is cutting and throwing away. Can you imagine letting someone like that cut you open? It’s a horrifying thought.

If our intentions are truly for the betterment of the people we love we have a responsibility to tread carefully and be honest with our ability to help and not hurt. Also, be careful who you allow to become close enough to have access to those eyes that might have a speck of dust in them or a log. Any offers of advice or actionable help should be given with respect, not condescension.

Also, if we do not enter into friendship with honest intentions we run the risk of damaging someone’s ability to trust.

–

Some things to consider about our friendships:

Do we truly enjoy the person we are investing time and advice in, and do they enjoy us?

Are we confident in the friendship would last if the ‘help’ being offered is refused or doesn’t work?

Are we free to reject the advice being given?

–

I have said it before while writing this series on friendship, but relationships are hard, complex, and also worth the work. Unless it’s a doctor-to-patient/counsellor-to-client relationship, its purpose is not to ‘fix’ but to support.

Is there something you would like to add to this discussion? Please do so in the comment section. This write-up is by no means an extensive guild to friendship, but if it’s made you think, it’s done its job. Thank you for reading.

Mary Grace van der Kroef

Websites referenced in this article:

Bible Gateway

Previous Post – On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post – On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post – On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post – On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post – What if You’re Afraid of It?

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On Friendship: In Person

marygracewriting3 Comments

Old fashioned, shoulder-to-shoulder, roll up your sleeves together, yell and scream if you need to then make-up kind of friendships, have always been on the scarce side. But today’s world of separation, ‘othering’ of people who believe differently than you, alienated families, and virtual meeting places have almost rendered them visibly extinct. Those of you who still retain the closest of in-person human friendships, please know you are truly blessed.

Fighting for those kinds of relationships is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears. But take note I didn’t say peaceful friendships, easy friendships, or quiet friendships, although those kinds are also a blessing and very important. It’s the friendships we must fight for that tend to grow the deepest strongest roots, and in times of trouble as well as calm produce the sweetest fruits. I also don’t believe that this level of deepness can be reached in a virtual friendship.

If you read last week’s post On Friendship: Virtual Friendship you will know I’m in no way against online relationships. In fact, I think they are pretty important in this changing world. But, they should never take the place of in-person interactions if we can help it. Face-to-face communication and connection are what humans were built for.

“Fighting for those kinds of relationships is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears. “

So what do modern in-person friendships look like these days? I don’t think casual friendships have changed all that much over the last few decades. It’s still about going out with friends for drinks, catching a movie, and sharing a laugh. Going and doing is still very much a part of it all, especially for younger people. It’s the ‘staying and being’ that I have seen change. We are so busy that we slip friends into the rush of our lives but tend to exclude them from the quiet moments when we come up for breath from the busyness. Have they become just another responsibility we long to take a break from? Friendship is work, and building a friendship to a deep level requires A LOT of time. So yes, we are so busy that the modern human often lumps friends into a group of draining activities. This is true for introverts especially. But I think extroverts are much more tired than they might realize.

Why is this?

We have lost the ability to ‘rest’ in friendship. Of course, this isn’t going to be true for everyone and every relationship, but since relationships take work to build and we are so busy we often don’t have in-person time for each other. Fewer and fewer of us are able to form friendships we can ‘rest’ in. Friendships where you don’t feel like you have to show up looking and feeling your best to participate. Even for an introvert, just being with someone who enjoys your presence so much that the messy living room doesn’t matter, gives you rest. Friendships where you can just be you, and you know you are wanted, friendships where silence is acceptable and the need to entertain each other isn’t constant while still sharing each other’s company, are a lost art form.

I remember those friendships, and I long for them with a deep ache. Have you ever experienced companionship like that?

“Have they become just another responsibility we long to take a brake from?”

This kind of friendship that you can ‘rest’ in is also going to look different for each of us since we all have our unique ways we show love and receiving it in turn. But it’s become exceedingly rare to KNOW someone at that kind of level. We just don’t have time for it.

Or do we?

There is another reason for this I’ve been mulling over. In our collective growing exhaustion, we’ve all become very needy people. We sometimes need much more from our relationships with others than we can give in return. This creates a deficit in relationships. Friendships should be a give and a take.

So what do we do when we simply can NOT give the same as what someone else is offering us? Or what do we do when a friend asks for more than they can give back?

I think we need to realize that everyone brings something to the table of friendships, it’s being able to recognize exactly what that is first, and not expect to get something they are not able to offer. We do not want our friendships to become co-dependencies. Boundaries, even while endeavouring to form strong bonds, are important. Being able to respect the boundaries of others is equally as important.

Friendship isn’t always about doing fun things, sometimes it looks like cleaning someone’s living room before leaving their house, not to shame them, but to give them a few more moments of rest in their day. Or letting someone act out their offer of help to clear the table when we’ve invited them for a dinner party. This thought is going to horrify some of you. That’s okay, as they are only a few examples of letting someone step out of an entertainment role and inviting them into a more active role in a relationship. Perhaps for some, it might simply be asking advice, and taking the time to truly listen to the ideas offered back. (With cell phones left in pockets while others talk) The point is being ACTIVELY engaged in each other’s lives. Not just having fun.

“Friendship isn’t always about doing fun things, sometimes it looks like cleaning someone’s living room before leaving their house, not to shame them, but to give them a few more moments of rest in their day.”

To cultivate long-lasting and deep in-person friendships our perspectives need to change. Going out isn’t always going to be possible. But sitting together in someone back yard or living room is something almost everyone can afford. I love the kind of people who want to spend that kind of time with me, especially when they don’t care if my hair is properly brushed or not. Doing life together doesn’t always look like ‘doing and going’. But doing life together is what friendship is all about.

What do you think? It’s not possible for me to explore every part of in-person friendship in a single blog post. I would LOVE to hear your ideas in the comments. Want me to write about something specifically? Let me know. Disagree with me? I would love to hear why.

How do you prioritize and maintain in-person friendships? How do you open the door for those relationships to grow beyond casual friendships?

Copyright ©2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post – On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post – On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

Forthcoming Post – What if You’re Afraid of It?

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On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

marygracewriting8 Comments

I can remember when virtual friendship was only something that happened in Sci-fi cartoons. It was while I was a young teen that it started to be a ‘real thing’, and I’m not ashamed to say that connecting with strangers online and forming friendships at every level of emotional intimacy has been a blessing to me.

As an introvert finding in-person friendships that go as deep as my soul desires and don’t settle on the surface of only ‘doing’ and ‘having fun’ is hard. Really hard. It always has been and I think it always will be, but one of the beauties of online communication is you can’t rely on the ‘doing’ you HAVE to talk. There are also only so many things to talk about before you run out of fun stuff and have to dip your tie into deep waters of thought, or, say goodbye and part ways. It really is the same pattern as in-person friendships follow, but you get to skip some of the very beginning stages, knowing that if you are in the same online space you definitely have a few things in common, and this can speed up the proses of connection.

In fact, online interactions can be a whirlwind of deep conversations. To a heart that is longing for friendship, it can be a different kind of addictive than the general scrolling through posts on social media. As a backlash broken friendships can happen in the blink of an eye and come with a deep and painful grief.

“In fact, online interactions can be a whirlwind of deep conversations.”

This can be surprising to many people who have not experienced online friendship yet or have chosen not to give it a chance. (The latter being a completely understandable choice.) But believe me when I say that online friendship can be just as real as in person, just as fulfilling, and just as painful. But it can also be dangerous.

Misunderstandings happen in abundance without the added context of voice inflections and body language which are a key part of human communication. Outright deception is also much easier to pull off. But these dangers are present in in-person relationships as well. It’s all about learning. Just like toddlers, preschoolers, and kindergarteners, all learn the basics of in-person connections, when we start to enter online communication platforms there is a time of learning that happens. What is safe? What isn’t safe? What one individual might be comfortable with, another might not be. The need to show respect and remember that the text on the screen means there is a soul somewhere in the world taking in the words you say or say through video uploads that come in short clips and rarely show all sides of a conversation. Discernment is needed when interacting online, but at the same time, the lack of those communication cues makes it harder to use discernment. Emotions are heightened and judgment is sometimes absent.

“Discernment is needed when interacting online, but at the same time, the lack of those communication cues makes it harder to use discernment.”

Still, I think if we are willing to learn how to participate in healthy online interactions, virtual friendships can be a blessing. I know mine have been. In fact, I met my husband online as a teen.

Virtual friendships have the ability to drive the seed of connection deep and can grow into something that is truly beautiful. But I believe no friendship kept purely online ever reaches its full potential. Just like my relationship with my husband could only go so far while we date online, and needed to be brought to in-person interactions at one point, for some purely platonic friendship to grow to achieve full growth, then need to add in-person interactions as well. Not every virtual friendship is meant for this, and indeed for some that are strong online an in-person element will be too much and cause it to crumble. But the blending online and in person can forge unbreakable bonds. Again, discernment is needed to know what ones, as well as the willingness to maturity to let go when things don’t work like we hoped.

Lossing virtual friendships is scary, and leaves a hole just as painful as losing in-person friendships. If you have experienced this loss don’t discount the grief you might go through. These breaks often require time to heal and sort out just like losing a childhood friend. Give yourself grace during that time.

“Lossing virtual friendships is scary, and leaves a hole just a painful as losing in-person friendships.”

If you are one of those people that steer away from virtual friendship, I also want to say that is completely okay. It is also much more acceptable to cut virtual friendships from your life if it is becoming detrimental to your health in any way. Humans were made to first connect in person. No matter how many good online friendships you may have, it is very hard to be a whole and healthy mind without an in-person connection. Your family, your in-person friends, and your community should always come first until an online friendship turns into an in-person friendship and joins the circle of family, friends and community.

If you are someone who walks the virtual community roadway you may at times experience someone cutting you off in favour of family and in-person friendship. No matter how deep the connection you might have online with someone goes, being able to let go of that person, is extremely important. It’s okay to grieve if they need to leave you behind, but it’s also healthiest for you to not hold on to someone who needs that space.

Friendships and human relationships are complex at any level. This short opinion piece is by no means a guide to friendship and I am no expert. I’m just a woman who has been walking the path of virtual connection for twenty-two years and feel compelled to give some advice. My intent is to start a conversation and to help us all think deeply about the decisions we make in our human friendships. The world is going through fast changes right now. Wisdom, and hearts that are open to learning are required to keep us all healthy and happy while navigating new ways to form friendships. I’m praying for discernment for all of us.

Thank you for stopping in to read my heart,
Mary Grace van der Kroef

Copyright ©2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post – On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: In Person

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

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On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

marygracewriting5 Comments

How to say “I’m sorry” is one of the most important lessons we learn as children. But saying the words and actually meaning them doesn’t always come naturally. It’s hard.

Telling someone we forgive them is the next important lesson we learn. But again, do we really mean those words when we say them? That’s also hard.

Both phrases are ones I’ve used a lot during my 35 years of life on this earth. When you grow up in a large family, it’s just a way of life as you constantly interact with other people’s space, property, and hearts. I learned how to say I’m sorry, but I also learned how to fake it. (Yes, I was a huge stinker as a little girl.)

The need to use the words “I’m sorry” hasn’t decreased with age. In fact, it’s become more important as I live alongside my husband, teach my children the importance of these words, and grow adult friendships. I say them a lot and truth be told, I’m still learning to mean them every time. I’m constantly reminding myself that my perspective isn’t the only valid one, so even if I think I shouldn’t have to say it, I still do, because it’s not always about guilt in a situation, but empathy, too.

I’m also Canadian, and saying sorry really slips out of our mouths all the time.

But when it comes to forgiveness, I’ve really struggled. I don’t mean it’s simply something I’ve I hard time saying. No, I mean I’ve done battle with this concept in my innermost being after the words have already passed my lips. Sometimes the betrayal of others sticks to you like tar, marking your soul just as black as the person who hurt you…

That’s why it’s so important. Unforgiveness is a poison that will slowly eat away at your mind and soul. It’s also impossibly hard to give in its true form, even in the closest of relationships. It’s something you have to be constantly choosing because even after you think you’ve finally been able to release that ‘thing’ or ‘person’ or ‘situation’ your mind will decide to circle back and give it a good sniff again, just like a dog and its vomit.

So how do you do it? How do you really let your ‘I forgive you’ mean what it’s supposed to mean? How do you stop returning to the betrayal, the hurtful moment, or words that have imprinted in your mind, the grief that penetrated past a physical heart to touch your soul?

There is only one way I’ve learned to do it, and that’s giving that moment, that memory, that emotion, to the person who has forgiven me the most: Jesus Christ. For someone who doesn’t share my faith that might seem laughable, even weak, and honestly, that’s okay, because I am weak. But Jesus is strong, and the most forgiving being in the universe. He is also the epitome of empathy, and he understands the pain that draws me back to that vomit pile. He understands the pull for what it really is, grief.

See, as humans, I believe our souls, minds, and bodies are in a constant state of grief. Grief for what once was in our world, and grief in losing our innocence. But I digress, and if someone who has a different belief system, then I would like to invite them to share how they forgive in the comment section.

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So what does giving forgiveness actually look like apart from saying the words ‘I forgive you’?

Well, it’s not giving people a free pass to walk all over you again. But it can look like inviting them back into your life and home and trusting them again. It doesn’t have to though. Some forgiveness looks like upholding boundaries and giving people a chance to prove that they have changed and won’t repeat their mistakes. It can also be given without inviting the person who did the hurting back to a close friendship. But forgiveness almost always requires action, just like friendship.

When forgiveness is especially hard for me personally, it looks like holding a constant silent prayer on my tongue. “Please help me forgive. Please help me let go, and trust again. Please help me be wise in how I welcome someone back in to my life. Please help me be brave in how I tell them just what hurts.”

True forgiveness requires honesty. You can forgive someone without confronting them about something they have said or done, but giving them a chance to say ‘I’m sorry’, often helps us release that forgiveness in to the relationship. If we chose not to tell the person what they have done to hurt us, then we at least have to be honest with ourselves and not take more of the blame for a situation than needed.

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It’s not possible to fully explore forgiveness in one blog post. People have written books on it and still we as humans struggle to understand its depths and how it really works. But let’s move on from giving it to receiving it.

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It can be equally hard to receive forgiveness as it is to give it. There are many reasons for this and again it’s not possible to talk about all of them here, but two that stand out the most to me are shame and denial.

Some people don’t believe they are worthy of forgiveness, and honestly, none of us really are. That is the beauty of true forgiveness though, it is an act of pure love.

When a wrong is committed, we can’t go back and change it. Justice demands action. But justice handed out without forgiveness at its right hand can easily turn in to vengeance and spoil the act of justice with traces of hate.

Justice without forgiveness can not bring healing, and often the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. When we have an understanding of what right and wrong is and we know we have committed an offence against a friend, someone we are supposed to care for and love, well, we blanket ourselves in shame. And it is shameful, but we all do it. No one is perfect, and when we deny ourselves forgiveness that friends and family members hand us, we stop healing; sometimes for both parties.

Receiving forgiveness is an act of humility as well. It means we understand we have hurt someone, and this feeds in to the second reason so many of us have a hard time with it. Denial.

When our sorry isn’t real, when we hold on to the idea that “I didn’t mean to hurt you so I shouldn’t have to say those words and don’t truly need forgiveness,” or when we hold on to the belief that we were justified in our actions even if they hurt someone, is cuts forgiveness short.

These are sticky situation that are often so hard to sort out, and really how often are hurts in a friendship the soul responsibility of one person? More often than not, both parties need to give and receive forgiveness at some level. Maybe that is the key to it all, being open to acknowledging how we hurt others even as they hurt us.

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This is not a comprehensive guide to forgiveness, but I hope it has started a conversation in your heart as you read it. Typing it out has definite helped solidify a better understanding of it in my own heart. I would love to hear your thoughts on forgiveness in the comment section.

Thank you.

Copyright ©2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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On Friendship: The Word Enemy

marygracewriting6 Comments

We have looked at the word ‘friend’, what it means, and where it comes from, but sometimes it helps to understand a word or idea by looking at and understanding its opposite. So what is the opposite of a friend?

An enemy.

What does the word enemy mean? Here is the first definition point from dictionary.com.

a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.

dictionary.com

Something I noticed while reading this definition is how it’s packed with action. ‘Fosters harmful designs’, ‘feels hatred for’, ‘engages in antagonistic activities’. So at least when it comes to a personal enemy, it’s not someone who simply feels indifferent towards us or someone who thinks or believes differently. There must be some kind of hurtful action involved, even if it’s just mentally planning harm that may never come to fruition.

dictionary.com also takes it to the impersonal level where it defines a nation, or peoples who are hostile against one another as enemies.

So why dig into this?

I think it’s just as important to understand what a true enemy is as to understand true friendship, why we define relationships with these words, as well as how enemies have been viewed throughout history. As we have talked about before, languages change. Dose an enemy still mean what it did one hundred years ago? How about a thousand?

Latin root: in (meaning ‘not’) + amicus (friend) = inimicus, according to WordSence.com

So the Latin root word for enemy literally translates to not friend. The word enemy is also related to Old and Middle English words as well as Old French words as well. It is also related to the word ‘fiend‘ which dictionary.com defines as literally “Satan; the Devil, and a diabolically cruel or wicked person.

I think it’s safe to conclude that the definition of ‘enemy’ has stayed relatively constant thought the last several thousand years. Unlike the word ‘friend’ I’m not seeing evidence of its definition expanding. It may actually be shrinking or becoming more defined as our modern understanding of different cultures and people changes. As our towns, cities, countries and continents become more diverse we are being forced into closer proximity with people who are vastly different from us, and finding them not nearly as hostile as we used to. Different doesn’t automatically = potential enemy anymore. Though we still view strangers with a healthy dose of caution, I think the general view is shifting towards viewing newcomers as potential friends first, or at least indifferently.

So, the grey middle between enemy and friend is widening, even as friend welcomes in a wider definition. But there is one question itching the back of my mind. Can a true enemy, someone who is actively pursuing harm to someone else, ever be reconciled to that individual and achieve true friendship?

The shift from an enemy to a friend has always been a rare occurrence though history. Does it still happen in our modern world as relationships grow and morph to include online spaces and as in-person interactions decrease? Have YOU ever experienced this? If so I would LOVE to hear from you.

Have you ever considered yourself someone’s enemy? Is it different to BE an enemy than it is to HAVE an enemy? What do You think?

Copyright ©2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post – On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: In Person

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

websites referenced in this post

Dictionary.com
WordSeance.com

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