My Mother once told me, “It’s better to have one good friend than to have many that aren’t close.”

I’ve found this statement to be true. But in the Western world, we often fall into the trap of lumping our relationships in with what culture views as “Success”, which is to have many, and more, and bigger. The big problem with this is that people are not things. Friendships can’t be hoarded like material possessions and remain strong and healthy. The more you have the more work is to maintain them.

“Things” can be stored. Even though possessions can indeed become a weight that drags a soul down, if you have enough money to pay for storage and preservation then you can keep them for quite a long time. But people? Well, people don’t keep like things do, and we can’t pay someone else to maintain our friendships. It must be a personal investment of time.

It’s also possible to have hundreds of friends, and still be lonely. But equally possible to have one true friend, and be as rich as the wealthiest man on earth. You can’t count the wealth of friendships by numbers.

“It’s better to have one good friend than to have many that aren’t close.”

Each person we come in contact with is a being of immeasurable worth. Yes, all of them. Even the ones we don’t like. How do we honour people’s worth, while being honest with how many relationships we can maintain?

First, recognize that each person is going to have a different capacity for this and even as we go through life our circumstances will change, meaning that once we could manage a crowd of good friendships, now we can only honestly hold on to a handful, and stay true. Recognize that this is normal.

Second, honesty is always better than stinging people along. It hurts to be rejected, especially when you have been looking for a true friend and then finally meet someone who you think you might be able to connect with, just to have them tell you they don’t have time for you. But trust me, it hurts way worse to be strung along with phrases like, “We need to get together sometime!” and “We’ll for sure do that!” Just to have every attempt you make to reach out shot down with, “Somethings come up, can we reschedule?” Over and over again. Make a note that it’s the repetition that’s devastating. It’s normal for life to get in the way and plans to have to change, but if it’s becoming a pattern in a relationship it’s a red flag that shows one person in the party doesn’t want to, or maybe can’t commit.

Third, you can love a friend from afar when your ability to maintain closeness changes. I’ve had to say goodbye to many friends in one form or another. I’ve also had friends that I have had to cut off, but my love for that person has not disappeared. I also don’t feel the ones I left on good terms love me any less than they did when we both had the time to enjoy each other’s company. Don’t be afraid to tell people you might not be able to handle a lot of interactions right now, but you love them, and you still care. This goes a long way in maintaining ties when you might need space, whether that’s forever, or for a short time. If someone has to walk away from you because they are overwhelmed, it can be really hard. But remember, they honoured your friendship enough, to be honest with you. If you can, tell them you will be waiting for when their circumstances change again, and you’ll be loving them just the same in the in-between.

Don’t forget the worth of the friends or friends you still hold. Cherish them, invest in them, and don’t let the ties weaken while looking around at the crowd of potential.

If you’re the one that’s lonely, remember, it only takes one good friend to change your circumstances. Treasure that one if you have it.

But what if you can’t find that one? I’ll talk about that next week.

Copyright ©2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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