Tag: relationships

Release Day/Our Road to Trust

marygracewriting4 Comments

It’s here! ‘Our Road to Trust’ was officially released this morning across all online retailers.

I am so grateful for the support of my friends and family, as well as those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, and joined my newsletter as well as those who follow me on social media. Indie Authors do not succeed without you. I do not succeed without you.

Thank you for celebrating with me!

Genre: Contemporary Christian Fiction, Women’s Fiction

Book Description:
Ten women struggle to find connection in their home church as they walk through personal suffering. Can they learn to trust God and each other, or will they choose to remain in their brokenness?

Words That Pierce:
Can Mary trust God and find the courage to confront a church friend about hurtful words?

The Letter:
While Tina’s whole world begins to crumble, will a letter harden or soften her heart?

Power Off:
Will Harmony trust her mother after committing an act of deception?

Apology:
Can Amy learn to see past her anger and pain to apologize and find peace?

Broken China:
Can Rose overcome the pressure to appear as the perfect pastorโ€™s wife, face her own failings, and find help for her troubled daughter before they both fall apart?

Just Forget It:
Bethโ€™s long expected battle with forgetfulness has arrived; can she trust others for help as well as hold on to joy?

The Pill Cabinet:
Hillaryโ€™s world has become a cloud of pain. Can she walk past her pride and reach out for help, or will she begin down a dark path?

Her Choice:
Will Deboraโ€™s battle with depression and grief push her to a breaking point?

Scary Things:
At only four years old, Gloria faces one of life’s deepest losses, and when the shadows that once followed her mother notice her, can she defeat the darkness?

Prayers and Pencil Crayons:
Will Abigail step out of the shadows and into the new leadership role God has opened for her?

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Early Reader Reviews: from goodreads.com

For anyone who’s ever suffered from church hurt, this one’s for you. Ms. Van der Kroef has excellently woven several stories of women who love Jesus but have a hard time loving each other. She’s gracious and gentle when exploring their lives but still convicting in assessing the areas they need to “let go and let God” in order to commune as the Church.
A wonderful read and thought-provoking for sure. I can guarantee you’ll see yourself in this book, prompting a request for God to lovingly search your own heart.

– Ericka Clay –

This story was really fascinating and it got under my skin. What I found special was that the plot is gradually narrated by all protagonists- women who live their lives within one church community. Their stories follow and evolve with each conversation and interaction they have. It was quite playful and exciting for me to guess and realize who the narrator was and how connected she was to the previous narrator.
The climax of the book is the deadly sin of one of the women.
I got Goosebumps when reading the story.
The final scene is prodigious. It is an absolute act of humility and may be the symbol of a new start in the community.
I did not purchase the book and I read it as an early reader.

– Katarina Celkova –

Our Road To Trust by Mary Grace Van der Kroef, Mary Grace. I extend thanks to the author and publisher for the Advanced Reader Copy that was gifted to me.

This is a wonderful book full of inspiring faith based stories. The author did a good job of covering many different aspects and providing a little something for each and every reader. They were bite size nuggets of information all captured together between the covers. I highly recommend this book.

– Lisa –

I received this as an ARC reader. My opinions are my own.
This book got me from the very start. I understand โ€˜words that pierceโ€™ and Iโ€™m sure Iโ€™ve said them many times. Each womanโ€™s story wove within the others in a way that shows how completely the author understands the inner workings of how we as women think, feel, struggle, hope.
The depth in the book is amazing. Deep and complex, beautifully but sincerely written. It shows and teaches what true trust can be.

– Jen Dodrill –

Thank you to my ARC Team for your support! You can find all of their reviews on Goodreads.

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Truly Lovers Eyes

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There is nothing quite like truth
Shining through the eyes of your lover
Stark and piercing
Coated with a cast of pain
From words,
Or dead,
Or lack by you

A gentle stab
Piercing the heart
With the absolute knowledge
You did it again
It’s your fault
That selfish flair flapped too hard
And struck

There is nothing quite like truth
Shinning from the eyes of your lover
Now gentled to a glint
Of wet release
Acceptance of the blow you failed
To control
Absorbed

Transformed
Into a warmth that strangles doubts
Enfolds in forgiveness
With arms that bind wounds
Support boundaries
Encouraging both
To try again

There is nothing as beautiful as truth
Shining from the eyes of your lover
Lighting the road ahead
Assurance of
Together’s tomorrow
As those eyes seek and speak
Truth in love

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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On Friendship: What if You’re Afraid of It?

marygracewriting5 Comments

Fear of deep friendships is a very real thing in our modern world. Not only is it difficult and requires time and love to keep alive, but it also has the potential to leave deep and lasting wounds in its wake when abused.

Do you hold scars from past friendships? Have they healed? Have you abused friendships and left chaos in your wake? Most of us carry scars as well as guilt in that regard. Do these scars hold you back from seeking new friendships? How can we work past the obstacle of fear?

It starts with having honest conversations with ourselves while confronting painful memories.

I don’t want anyone to pile blame on themselves for something that wasn’t their fault, but it’s still important to examine how things fell apart. Is there something we could have handled better? Could we have been more honest with our friends from the beginning? Do we share in the blame, or where we trapped in an abusive narcissistic friendship? Were we the ones in the wrong? Should the blame be shared between both parties?

If after self-examination you find yourself guilty, it’s important to accept it. Don’t run away from the fact you have made mistakes. Being able to recognize this failure shows maturity and the potential for great growth. Now it’s time to decide if you need to seek professional counselling so you can honestly identify the why. Don’t let this scare you. You are still worthy of friendship, you still need it and you can learn to have healthy relationships while correcting your behaviour.

Did you find yourself innocent? If you’re sure, then the next question is were there red flags about the friendship that you missed? Are there things you need to learn to be careful of moving forwards? Was it a one-time mistake or does this person who hurt you make a habit of sabotaging friendships? Do you make it a habit of welcoming people into your life who abuse your trust? If this is a pattern, it’s also time to seek professional counselling. There is no shame in asking someone to help you learn how to build healthy boundaries in relationships, and it is really important to know that not every person who is looking for friendship will hurt you like you may have been hurt in the past. It is possible to find true mutual friendship. Don’t let fear stop you from shining your light and finding each other.

If you’re like most people, myself included, you may realize you hold a measure of guilt as well as having suffered some brutal wrongs. If so, it’s time to ask yourself if you started the situation, or ended it? Did you lash out when hurt? Did you strike first out of fear? Is this up and down a pattern for you? If you identify this as a rut you have fallen into its time to get out of it. How? Again, ask for help from a counsellor who will be honest with you.

Don’t wear shame as a beacon warning, or a shield against the world.

It’s time to trust again. It’s time to learn how to be a safe place for others instead of guarding against every small jab that might leave a mark. It’s also time to learn proper boundaries so that we are not crushed every time a friendship hits a bump in the road. It’s time to take responsibility for our own actions, whether good or bad. It’s time, to learn how to be friends, true friends, lasting friends, in a world that is forgetting about what it really means.

To learn these things, we must stop being afraid of each other.

I have been guilty of a lot of fear over the last few years. I have been struggling to trust again after misunderstandings, betrayals, and some selfishness. I think this is probably why I felt compelled to write this series on friendship. If you too are struggling with friendship in this way I want to encourage you. People are precious, you are precious and worth fighting for. Your friendship is a gift, a gift worth giving, and there is someone out there in this world that NEEDS it. Beyond that, there is someone in this world that wants it and you in their life.

We were created for a relationship. I pray my words shine a little bit of light in the darkness of that search to reclaim true friendship.

What are your thoughts? Do you have a story of letting go of fear and reaching for friendship? I would love to hear about it.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ The Power of One, The Weakness of Many

On Friendship: In Person

marygracewriting3 Comments

Old fashioned, shoulder-to-shoulder, roll up your sleeves together, yell and scream if you need to then make-up kind of friendships, have always been on the scarce side. But today’s world of separation, ‘othering’ of people who believe differently than you, alienated families, and virtual meeting places have almost rendered them visibly extinct. Those of you who still retain the closest of in-person human friendships, please know you are truly blessed.

Fighting for those kinds of relationships is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears. But take note I didn’t say peaceful friendships, easy friendships, or quiet friendships, although those kinds are also a blessing and very important. It’s the friendships we must fight for that tend to grow the deepest strongest roots, and in times of trouble as well as calm produce the sweetest fruits. I also don’t believe that this level of deepness can be reached in a virtual friendship.

If you read last week’s post On Friendship: Virtual Friendship you will know I’m in no way against online relationships. In fact, I think they are pretty important in this changing world. But, they should never take the place of in-person interactions if we can help it. Face-to-face communication and connection are what humans were built for.

“Fighting for those kinds of relationships is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears. “

So what do modern in-person friendships look like these days? I don’t think casual friendships have changed all that much over the last few decades. It’s still about going out with friends for drinks, catching a movie, and sharing a laugh. Going and doing is still very much a part of it all, especially for younger people. It’s the ‘staying and being’ that I have seen change. We are so busy that we slip friends into the rush of our lives but tend to exclude them from the quiet moments when we come up for breath from the busyness. Have they become just another responsibility we long to take a break from? Friendship is work, and building a friendship to a deep level requires A LOT of time. So yes, we are so busy that the modern human often lumps friends into a group of draining activities. This is true for introverts especially. But I think extroverts are much more tired than they might realize.

Why is this?

We have lost the ability to ‘rest’ in friendship. Of course, this isn’t going to be true for everyone and every relationship, but since relationships take work to build and we are so busy we often don’t have in-person time for each other. Fewer and fewer of us are able to form friendships we can ‘rest’ in. Friendships where you don’t feel like you have to show up looking and feeling your best to participate. Even for an introvert, just being with someone who enjoys your presence so much that the messy living room doesn’t matter, gives you rest. Friendships where you can just be you, and you know you are wanted, friendships where silence is acceptable and the need to entertain each other isn’t constant while still sharing each other’s company, are a lost art form.

I remember those friendships, and I long for them with a deep ache. Have you ever experienced companionship like that?

“Have they become just another responsibility we long to take a brake from?”

This kind of friendship that you can ‘rest’ in is also going to look different for each of us since we all have our unique ways we show love and receiving it in turn. But it’s become exceedingly rare to KNOW someone at that kind of level. We just don’t have time for it.

Or do we?

There is another reason for this I’ve been mulling over. In our collective growing exhaustion, we’ve all become very needy people. We sometimes need much more from our relationships with others than we can give in return. This creates a deficit in relationships. Friendships should be a give and a take.

So what do we do when we simply can NOT give the same as what someone else is offering us? Or what do we do when a friend asks for more than they can give back?

I think we need to realize that everyone brings something to the table of friendships, it’s being able to recognize exactly what that is first, and not expect to get something they are not able to offer. We do not want our friendships to become co-dependencies. Boundaries, even while endeavouring to form strong bonds, are important. Being able to respect the boundaries of others is equally as important.

Friendship isn’t always about doing fun things, sometimes it looks like cleaning someone’s living room before leaving their house, not to shame them, but to give them a few more moments of rest in their day. Or letting someone act out their offer of help to clear the table when we’ve invited them for a dinner party. This thought is going to horrify some of you. That’s okay, as they are only a few examples of letting someone step out of an entertainment role and inviting them into a more active role in a relationship. Perhaps for some, it might simply be asking advice, and taking the time to truly listen to the ideas offered back. (With cell phones left in pockets while others talk) The point is being ACTIVELY engaged in each other’s lives. Not just having fun.

“Friendship isn’t always about doing fun things, sometimes it looks like cleaning someone’s living room before leaving their house, not to shame them, but to give them a few more moments of rest in their day.”

To cultivate long-lasting and deep in-person friendships our perspectives need to change. Going out isn’t always going to be possible. But sitting together in someone back yard or living room is something almost everyone can afford. I love the kind of people who want to spend that kind of time with me, especially when they don’t care if my hair is properly brushed or not. Doing life together doesn’t always look like ‘doing and going’. But doing life together is what friendship is all about.

What do you think? It’s not possible for me to explore every part of in-person friendship in a single blog post. I would LOVE to hear your ideas in the comments. Want me to write about something specifically? Let me know. Disagree with me? I would love to hear why.

How do you prioritize and maintain in-person friendships? How do you open the door for those relationships to grow beyond casual friendships?

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: Virtualย Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Givingย Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesnโ€™t Mean Project

Forthcoming Post – What if You’re Afraid of It?

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On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

marygracewriting8 Comments

I can remember when virtual friendship was only something that happened in Sci-fi cartoons. It was while I was a young teen that it started to be a ‘real thing’, and I’m not ashamed to say that connecting with strangers online and forming friendships at every level of emotional intimacy has been a blessing to me.

As an introvert finding in-person friendships that go as deep as my soul desires and don’t settle on the surface of only ‘doing’ and ‘having fun’ is hard. Really hard. It always has been and I think it always will be, but one of the beauties of online communication is you can’t rely on the ‘doing’ you HAVE to talk. There are also only so many things to talk about before you run out of fun stuff and have to dip your tie into deep waters of thought, or, say goodbye and part ways. It really is the same pattern as in-person friendships follow, but you get to skip some of the very beginning stages, knowing that if you are in the same online space you definitely have a few things in common, and this can speed up the proses of connection.

In fact, online interactions can be a whirlwind of deep conversations. To a heart that is longing for friendship, it can be a different kind of addictive than the general scrolling through posts on social media. As a backlash broken friendships can happen in the blink of an eye and come with a deep and painful grief.

“In fact, online interactions can be a whirlwind of deep conversations.”

This can be surprising to many people who have not experienced online friendship yet or have chosen not to give it a chance. (The latter being a completely understandable choice.) But believe me when I say that online friendship can be just as real as in person, just as fulfilling, and just as painful. But it can also be dangerous.

Misunderstandings happen in abundance without the added context of voice inflections and body language which are a key part of human communication. Outright deception is also much easier to pull off. But these dangers are present in in-person relationships as well. It’s all about learning. Just like toddlers, preschoolers, and kindergarteners, all learn the basics of in-person connections, when we start to enter online communication platforms there is a time of learning that happens. What is safe? What isn’t safe? What one individual might be comfortable with, another might not be. The need to show respect and remember that the text on the screen means there is a soul somewhere in the world taking in the words you say or say through video uploads that come in short clips and rarely show all sides of a conversation. Discernment is needed when interacting online, but at the same time, the lack of those communication cues makes it harder to use discernment. Emotions are heightened and judgment is sometimes absent.

“Discernment is needed when interacting online, but at the same time, the lack of those communication cues makes it harder to use discernment.”

Still, I think if we are willing to learn how to participate in healthy online interactions, virtual friendships can be a blessing. I know mine have been. In fact, I met my husband online as a teen.

Virtual friendships have the ability to drive the seed of connection deep and can grow into something that is truly beautiful. But I believe no friendship kept purely online ever reaches its full potential. Just like my relationship with my husband could only go so far while we date online, and needed to be brought to in-person interactions at one point, for some purely platonic friendship to grow to achieve full growth, then need to add in-person interactions as well. Not every virtual friendship is meant for this, and indeed for some that are strong online an in-person element will be too much and cause it to crumble. But the blending online and in person can forge unbreakable bonds. Again, discernment is needed to know what ones, as well as the willingness to maturity to let go when things don’t work like we hoped.

Lossing virtual friendships is scary, and leaves a hole just as painful as losing in-person friendships. If you have experienced this loss don’t discount the grief you might go through. These breaks often require time to heal and sort out just like losing a childhood friend. Give yourself grace during that time.

“Lossing virtual friendships is scary, and leaves a hole just a painful as losing in-person friendships.”

If you are one of those people that steer away from virtual friendship, I also want to say that is completely okay. It is also much more acceptable to cut virtual friendships from your life if it is becoming detrimental to your health in any way. Humans were made to first connect in person. No matter how many good online friendships you may have, it is very hard to be a whole and healthy mind without an in-person connection. Your family, your in-person friends, and your community should always come first until an online friendship turns into an in-person friendship and joins the circle of family, friends and community.

If you are someone who walks the virtual community roadway you may at times experience someone cutting you off in favour of family and in-person friendship. No matter how deep the connection you might have online with someone goes, being able to let go of that person, is extremely important. It’s okay to grieve if they need to leave you behind, but it’s also healthiest for you to not hold on to someone who needs that space.

Friendships and human relationships are complex at any level. This short opinion piece is by no means a guide to friendship and I am no expert. I’m just a woman who has been walking the path of virtual connection for twenty-two years and feel compelled to give some advice. My intent is to start a conversation and to help us all think deeply about the decisions we make in our human friendships. The world is going through fast changes right now. Wisdom, and hearts that are open to learning are required to keep us all healthy and happy while navigating new ways to form friendships. I’m praying for discernment for all of us.

Thank you for stopping in to read my heart,
Mary Grace van der Kroef

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: Receiving and Givingย Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: In Person

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesnโ€™t Mean Project

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On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

marygracewriting5 Comments

How to say โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€ is one of the most important lessons we learn as children. But saying the words and actually meaning them doesnโ€™t always come naturally. Itโ€™s hard.

Telling someone we forgive them is the next important lesson we learn. But again, do we really mean those words when we say them? Thatโ€™s also hard.

Both phrases are ones Iโ€™ve used a lot during my 35 years of life on this earth. When you grow up in a large family, itโ€™s just a way of life as you constantly interact with other peopleโ€™s space, property, and hearts. I learned how to say Iโ€™m sorry, but I also learned how to fake it. (Yes, I was a huge stinker as a little girl.)

The need to use the words โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€ hasnโ€™t decreased with age. In fact, itโ€™s become more important as I live alongside my husband, teach my children the importance of these words, and grow adult friendships. I say them a lot and truth be told, Iโ€™m still learning to mean them every time. Iโ€™m constantly reminding myself that my perspective isnโ€™t the only valid one, so even if I think I shouldnโ€™t have to say it, I still do, because itโ€™s not always about guilt in a situation, but empathy, too.

Iโ€™m also Canadian, and saying sorry really slips out of our mouths all the time.

But when it comes to forgiveness, Iโ€™ve really struggled. I donโ€™t mean itโ€™s simply something Iโ€™ve I hard time saying. No, I mean Iโ€™ve done battle with this concept in my innermost being after the words have already passed my lips. Sometimes the betrayal of others sticks to you like tar, marking your soul just as black as the person who hurt youโ€ฆ

Thatโ€™s why itโ€™s so important. Unforgiveness is a poison that will slowly eat away at your mind and soul. Itโ€™s also impossibly hard to give in its true form, even in the closest of relationships. Itโ€™s something you have to be constantly choosing because even after you think youโ€™ve finally been able to release that โ€˜thingโ€™ or โ€˜personโ€™ or โ€˜situationโ€™ your mind will decide to circle back and give it a good sniff again, just like a dog and its vomit.

So how do you do it? How do you really let your โ€˜I forgive youโ€™ mean what itโ€™s supposed to mean? How do you stop returning to the betrayal, the hurtful moment, or words that have imprinted in your mind, the grief that penetrated past a physical heart to touch your soul?

There is only one way Iโ€™ve learned to do it, and thatโ€™s giving that moment, that memory, that emotion, to the person who has forgiven me the most: Jesus Christ. For someone who doesnโ€™t share my faith that might seem laughable, even weak, and honestly, thatโ€™s okay, because I am weak. But Jesus is strong, and the most forgiving being in the universe. He is also the epitome of empathy, and he understands the pain that draws me back to that vomit pile. He understands the pull for what it really is, grief.

See, as humans, I believe our souls, minds, and bodies are in a constant state of grief. Grief for what once was in our world, and grief in losing our innocence. But I digress, and if someone who has a different belief system, then I would like to invite them to share how they forgive in the comment section.

โ€“

So what does giving forgiveness actually look like apart from saying the words โ€˜I forgive youโ€™?

Well, itโ€™s not giving people a free pass to walk all over you again. But it can look like inviting them back into your life and home and trusting them again. It doesnโ€™t have to though. Some forgiveness looks like upholding boundaries and giving people a chance to prove that they have changed and wonโ€™t repeat their mistakes. It can also be given without inviting the person who did the hurting back to a close friendship. But forgiveness almost always requires action, just like friendship.

When forgiveness is especially hard for me personally, it looks like holding a constant silent prayer on my tongue. โ€œPlease help me forgive. Please help me let go, and trust again. Please help me be wise in how I welcome someone back in to my life. Please help me be brave in how I tell them just what hurts.โ€

True forgiveness requires honesty. You can forgive someone without confronting them about something they have said or done, but giving them a chance to say โ€˜Iโ€™m sorryโ€™, often helps us release that forgiveness in to the relationship. If we chose not to tell the person what they have done to hurt us, then we at least have to be honest with ourselves and not take more of the blame for a situation than needed.

โ€“

Itโ€™s not possible to fully explore forgiveness in one blog post. People have written books on it and still we as humans struggle to understand its depths and how it really works. But letโ€™s move on from giving it to receiving it.

โ€“

It can be equally hard to receive forgiveness as it is to give it. There are many reasons for this and again itโ€™s not possible to talk about all of them here, but two that stand out the most to me are shame and denial.

Some people donโ€™t believe they are worthy of forgiveness, and honestly, none of us really are. That is the beauty of true forgiveness though, it is an act of pure love.

When a wrong is committed, we canโ€™t go back and change it. Justice demands action. But justice handed out without forgiveness at its right hand can easily turn in to vengeance and spoil the act of justice with traces of hate.

Justice without forgiveness can not bring healing, and often the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. When we have an understanding of what right and wrong is and we know we have committed an offence against a friend, someone we are supposed to care for and love, well, we blanket ourselves in shame. And it is shameful, but we all do it. No one is perfect, and when we deny ourselves forgiveness that friends and family members hand us, we stop healing; sometimes for both parties.

Receiving forgiveness is an act of humility as well. It means we understand we have hurt someone, and this feeds in to the second reason so many of us have a hard time with it. Denial.

When our sorry isnโ€™t real, when we hold on to the idea that โ€œI didnโ€™t mean to hurt you so I shouldnโ€™t have to say those words and donโ€™t truly need forgiveness,โ€ or when we hold on to the belief that we were justified in our actions even if they hurt someone, is cuts forgiveness short.

These are sticky situation that are often so hard to sort out, and really how often are hurts in a friendship the soul responsibility of one person? More often than not, both parties need to give and receive forgiveness at some level. Maybe that is the key to it all, being open to acknowledging how we hurt others even as they hurt us.

–

This is not a comprehensive guide to forgiveness, but I hope it has started a conversation in your heart as you read it. Typing it out has definite helped solidify a better understanding of it in my own heart. I would love to hear your thoughts on forgiveness in the comment section.

Thank you.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: In Person

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesnโ€™t Mean Project

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On Friendship: The Word Enemy

marygracewriting6 Comments

We have looked at the word ‘friend’, what it means, and where it comes from, but sometimes it helps to understand a word or idea by looking at and understanding its opposite. So what is the opposite of a friend?

An enemy.

What does the word enemy mean? Here is the first definition point from dictionary.com.

a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.

dictionary.com

Something I noticed while reading this definition is how it’s packed with action. ‘Fosters harmful designs’, ‘feels hatred for’, ‘engages in antagonistic activities’. So at least when it comes to a personal enemy, it’s not someone who simply feels indifferent towards us or someone who thinks or believes differently. There must be some kind of hurtful action involved, even if it’s just mentally planning harm that may never come to fruition.

dictionary.com also takes it to the impersonal level where it defines a nation, or peoples who are hostile against one another as enemies.

So why dig into this?

I think it’s just as important to understand what a true enemy is as to understand true friendship, why we define relationships with these words, as well as how enemies have been viewed throughout history. As we have talked about before, languages change. Dose an enemy still mean what it did one hundred years ago? How about a thousand?

Latin root: in (meaning ‘not’) + amicus (friend) = inimicus, according to WordSence.com

So the Latin root word for enemy literally translates to not friend. The word enemy is also related to Old and Middle English words as well as Old French words as well. It is also related to the word ‘fiend‘ which dictionary.com defines as literally “Satan; the Devil, and a diabolically cruel or wicked person.

I think it’s safe to conclude that the definition of ‘enemy’ has stayed relatively constant thought the last several thousand years. Unlike the word ‘friend’ I’m not seeing evidence of its definition expanding. It may actually be shrinking or becoming more defined as our modern understanding of different cultures and people changes. As our towns, cities, countries and continents become more diverse we are being forced into closer proximity with people who are vastly different from us, and finding them not nearly as hostile as we used to. Different doesn’t automatically = potential enemy anymore. Though we still view strangers with a healthy dose of caution, I think the general view is shifting towards viewing newcomers as potential friends first, or at least indifferently.

So, the grey middle between enemy and friend is widening, even as friend welcomes in a wider definition. But there is one question itching the back of my mind. Can a true enemy, someone who is actively pursuing harm to someone else, ever be reconciled to that individual and achieve true friendship?

The shift from an enemy to a friend has always been a rare occurrence though history. Does it still happen in our modern world as relationships grow and morph to include online spaces and as in-person interactions decrease? Have YOU ever experienced this? If so I would LOVE to hear from you.

Have you ever considered yourself someone’s enemy? Is it different to BE an enemy than it is to HAVE an enemy? What do You think?

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: In Person

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

websites referenced in this post

Dictionary.com
WordSeance.com

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Loves Art

marygracewritingLeave a comment

There is a joy in joining
And when we come apart
The push and pull of day-to-day
Is Love teaching us its art

There is a pain in holding
Too tightly to your hand
It echoes even when released
Time to ease, it does demand

Absence can grow fondness
Take a moment, sit and wait
Iโ€™ll learn to soar with my own wings
Just open wide the gate

A little trust will guide us
As situations shift
First, you lead, then itโ€™s my turn
To lift us over rifts

We each have our own value
Separate, and distinct
But when we choose together
Love is an art where we are linked

Copyright ยฉ2020 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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On Friendship: My First Friend

marygracewriting7 Comments

There are seven people I will eternally be grateful for. They are my brothers and sisters and each one has taught me many valuable lessons about human relationships.

I am the third eldest in a family of eight kids and my first friend was my older sister. She was my first playmate, my first protector, and my first source of grief.

Grif? Oh, Yes.

Up’s and downs are a normal part of every relationship, including friendship and sisterhood. This is why the bonds we form in early childhood are so important. They teach us resistance, respect, and loyalty when grown in a healthy way. Of course, they can leave wounds so deep it takes a lifetime to heal as well. But if a child is sheltered too much and not taught friendship from an early age, true connection will always be difficult at best, or unattainable at worst.

What were some of your earliest friendships like? were they with family members? Or perhaps you were an only child and had to look outside the walls of your first home to find friends? Who were they? How did they impact you as you grew?

–

My earliest memories contain flashes of playing in our room with dolls and stuffed animals. My sister had this brown pug puppy with a wrinkled brow and I had Purple Monkey who was really a bear but looked like a monkey with a short tail to me. (He lives in my little ones’ room now and still looks like a Purple Monkey to me.) When we lived out in the woods while my father was a logger, we shared a bunk bed. We got chickenpox at the same time and learned alongside each other when our parents decided to homeschool their kids.

For many years my older sister was a constant in my everyday. I had to learn how to connect, react, and live beside her as our relationship evolved with age. We are three years apart and so for a long time, I was ‘the baby’ sister, both treasured but also reviled. After all, who wants the baby tagging along on adventures ALL THE TIME? Not my older brother and sister.

Still, my sister was often my guard as well. She told my older brother off when unnessasarry words were said, or his rough play became too much or dangerous. Boundaries were learned. “Don’t go there Mary, it’s not safe. I’ll tell Mom!” or “Look what you did to her? How could you? Run back to the house Mary, it’s going to be okay.” She helped me grow an awareness of others, and how I affected them at the same time they affected me.

Sisters, treasures, and there is really none quite like mine.

I am also an older sister, I have a handful of siblings I put threw the paces myself as we all searched for our spot in the family. I’ll tell you they didn’t all appreciate the ‘lessons’ I passed on to them. I could be just as mean as my older brother and as the string of little people following us grew it wasn’t just my older sister’s job to protect me, she was also protecting them FROM me. So, we all learned repentance and forgiveness together. The need for justice in the face of cruelty. The fact that no matter how deeply someone lives you, they will at times still say and do mean things, and whether you want to or not there are times when you just can’t cut people out of your life. Not when you’re all homeschooled and stuck living in the country together anyway. This forced deep bonds that for most of us still hold after decades of wear.

She has become a safe place for me. I don’t use that safe place as much as I probably should because I’m still prone to thinking I can just do things myself. But when the hurt runs deep she is instinctively the first place I run to, even above my mother.

Do you have a friend like that? I know not everyone does. It’s also hard to BE that friend at times, it shows great strength of character, being willing to welcome people and their burdens into your life over and over again.

–

If you find yourself without that kind of friendship or removed from it for some reason, I just want to encourage you to not give up cultivating new friendships. It’s never too late to plant the seeds that might grow into a bond that is stronger than time and distance. The key ingredient to growing something like that is TIME, the key to retaining friendship like that, is humility and forgiveness.

If you find personal investment, humility, or forgiveness hard, it’s okay. It’s never too late to start learning them. I believe the first step is simply to ask for help. Read a book on friendship, pray for an open heart, and then ask God for someone to help you put into practice what you have learned. But be prepared to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Forthcoming Post โ€“ Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

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On Friendship: The Word Friend

marygracewriting9 Comments

What does the word ‘friend’ mean?

Language changes with time, ideas as well, and what we once thought of as a friend has also changed. When I looked up the word ‘friend’ and its definitions, I found something that highlights this fact.

The 6th example of the word ‘friend’ as found at dictionary.com

6. a person associated with another as a contact on a social media website: We’ve never met, but we’re Facebook friends.

dictionary.com

I shouldn’t really have been surprised by the inclusion of this new definition of a friend, but I was. To friend, someone is also defined on the same page. So it seems it’s official, our whole modern concept of friendship has shifted. My generation was the first to think of people we’d never met in person as ‘friends’, and as someone who lived in a small community as a child and teen, it opened up my world in a huge way. I’ll talk about this more in a future post. The point is, this shift had been coming for a long time and it is here to stay.

A more traditional view of the word is still relevant.

  1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
dictionary.com

Whether in person or virtually, this definition covers the surface meaning of ‘friend’. For you to be my friend I have to think well of you in some way, I have to care about you on some level. If there is no care, there is no friendship. So the word ‘friend’ is tied to human emotions, and not just physical proximity.

There are so many words associated with a friend, like acquaintance, buddy, partner, pal, mate, familiar, comrade, associate, and colleague. Each of these words adds a new layer to a relationship. Friend left alone, has become quite a veg term in modern English and part of me mourns this. But another part acknowledges the need for a wide term. I have personally experienced and held affection for people I’ve never met, and will never meet in person. They are in fact, my friends. But I also find the limits of the English language frustrating as I long for a friendship that sinks deeper, with no one word to describe what I feel we lack.

In the book Ann of Green Gables, Lucy Maud Montgomery used the term ‘bosom friend’. I always loved that term, picturing someone I would be unafraid of embracing and holding close to my heart. It is this that I feel has vanished from modern culture. As we can see, a friend has become a term we use to describe people of little if almost no interaction, yet we still hold threads of affection for these people or we wouldn’t care to scroll through highlights of their lives on social media.

The origins of the word ‘friend’ are fascinating and I encourage you to read this short post on the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language on its root words and the Old English verb frฤ“on, “to love, like, honor, set free (from slavery or confinement).” Who would have thought such an everyday word could be so deep?

These rich roots are something I wish humans were better at remembering as we wonder about the paths of changing communication. What do you think?

I hope this short look at what the word ‘friend’ means and how it has changed over time has been enlightening. It is my hope that by trying to understand this word, it will help each of us find that bosom friendship many of us seek but find elusive. Words are important and their meanings are important, for they represent deep emotions and ideas.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef

Previous Post – On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: What is it?

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: My First Friend

Websites referenced in this post:

Dictionary.com

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language

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