On Friendship: What if You’re Afraid of It?

Fear of deep friendships is a very real thing in our modern world. Not only is it difficult and requires time and love to keep alive, but it also has the potential to leave deep and lasting wounds in its wake when abused.

Do you hold scars from past friendships? Have they healed? Have you abused friendships and left chaos in your wake? Most of us carry scars as well as guilt in that regard. Do these scars hold you back from seeking new friendships? How can we work past the obstacle of fear?

It starts with having honest conversations with ourselves while confronting painful memories.

I don’t want anyone to pile blame on themselves for something that wasn’t their fault, but it’s still important to examine how things fell apart. Is there something we could have handled better? Could we have been more honest with our friends from the beginning? Do we share in the blame, or where we trapped in an abusive narcissistic friendship? Were we the ones in the wrong? Should the blame be shared between both parties?

If after self-examination you find yourself guilty, it’s important to accept it. Don’t run away from the fact you have made mistakes. Being able to recognize this failure shows maturity and the potential for great growth. Now it’s time to decide if you need to seek professional counselling so you can honestly identify the why. Don’t let this scare you. You are still worthy of friendship, you still need it and you can learn to have healthy relationships while correcting your behaviour.

Did you find yourself innocent? If you’re sure, then the next question is were there red flags about the friendship that you missed? Are there things you need to learn to be careful of moving forwards? Was it a one-time mistake or does this person who hurt you make a habit of sabotaging friendships? Do you make it a habit of welcoming people into your life who abuse your trust? If this is a pattern, it’s also time to seek professional counselling. There is no shame in asking someone to help you learn how to build healthy boundaries in relationships, and it is really important to know that not every person who is looking for friendship will hurt you like you may have been hurt in the past. It is possible to find true mutual friendship. Don’t let fear stop you from shining your light and finding each other.

If you’re like most people, myself included, you may realize you hold a measure of guilt as well as having suffered some brutal wrongs. If so, it’s time to ask yourself if you started the situation, or ended it? Did you lash out when hurt? Did you strike first out of fear? Is this up and down a pattern for you? If you identify this as a rut you have fallen into its time to get out of it. How? Again, ask for help from a counsellor who will be honest with you.

Don’t wear shame as a beacon warning, or a shield against the world.

It’s time to trust again. It’s time to learn how to be a safe place for others instead of guarding against every small jab that might leave a mark. It’s also time to learn proper boundaries so that we are not crushed every time a friendship hits a bump in the road. It’s time to take responsibility for our own actions, whether good or bad. It’s time, to learn how to be friends, true friends, lasting friends, in a world that is forgetting about what it really means.

To learn these things, we must stop being afraid of each other.

I have been guilty of a lot of fear over the last few years. I have been struggling to trust again after misunderstandings, betrayals, and some selfishness. I think this is probably why I felt compelled to write this series on friendship. If you too are struggling with friendship in this way I want to encourage you. People are precious, you are precious and worth fighting for. Your friendship is a gift, a gift worth giving, and there is someone out there in this world that NEEDS it. Beyond that, there is someone in this world that wants it and you in their life.

We were created for a relationship. I pray my words shine a little bit of light in the darkness of that search to reclaim true friendship.

What are your thoughts? Do you have a story of letting go of fear and reaching for friendship? I would love to hear about it.

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef


Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ The Power of One, The Weakness of Many


On Friendship: Friend Doesn’t Mean Project

Have you ever been treated like someone else’s project, as if by spending time with them or taking their advice they can fix you and that is the biggest reason they are investing time in you? Have you ever realized you’ve done this to someone?

“Friends are not ‘projects’ and we shouldn’t treat people or be treated in that way. “

I’m a firm believer in the power of friendship as an encouragement, a way of lifting each other up, and even helping to aline our lives down a good path, but this should be a symptom of true friendship, not the reason for it to exist.

Friends are not ‘projects’ and we shouldn’t treat people or be treated that way. Why? Three reasons stand out to me.

  1. It detracts from individual responsibility
  2. It’s condescending
  3. It’s Damaging

Individual Responsibility

Unless you’re a medical doctor you can’t ‘fix people’. Encourage them? Give them a safe person to confide in? Uphold them in difficult life circumstances? Be a voice of truth? Absolutely. These are things we should all try to do for friends when they need it. But we need to recognize that the only person that can initiate true lasting change in someone’s life, is that person. The same goes for you. Now one can change you unless you want to be changed.

“Your worthiness of friendship also doesn’t depend on how put together your life is.”

Trying to change people or letting someone run our lives in this kind of way creates a toxic co-dependent relationship. As soon as one of you gets tired of the situation and there is a brake, everything crumbles. If the ‘help’ that was being offered was bad, this crumbling can be a good thing, bringing an individual back to a place where they can start to change themselves rather than conform to someone else’s ideas. But sometimes healing from ‘help’ takes years. If the help was good but offered in the wrong way it can crush confidence and motivation, leaving an individual feeling as if they can never change.

Your worthiness of friendship also doesn’t depend on how put together your life is. Your world might be burning, but you are still capable of giving life, love, and kindness. We all have things we need to grow in, and parts of us that may need to be discarded so that healthy growth can happen, no one is perfect.

It’s Condescending

Let me repeat myself, “No one is perfect.” This is something we say all the time but never listen to. It can be used as a crutch, an excuse to stay the way we are even though we know something might need to change, but it’s also an uncomfortable reminder that we are never better than another human being. That is really what’s at the core of feeling a need to change someone. It’s looking down our noses at people as if they are less than us because they may struggle with something we see as bad.

โ€œWhy do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brotherโ€™s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, โ€˜Let me take the speck out of your eye,โ€™ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brotherโ€™s eye.”

Matthew 7 NIV Holly Bible

This bible verse gives me a powerful visual of two friends picking at each other’s faces, refusing to acknowledge they might actually not be able to see clearly enough to help the other remove the problem. Ouch… Can you imagine the pain those individuals would be inflicting on each other?

Let’s take a step back and realize that even if our desire is to help a friend, we might not have the right tools, knowledge, or capacity to actually help, and admitting that is completely okay. Locking the ability to fix someone also doesn’t make you less than others, it makes you pretty normal.

It’s Damaging

When we tinker in people’s lives and minds it can leave scars much like an unqualified surgeon leaves if he messes around in someone’s gut having no idea what he is cutting and throwing away. Can you imagine letting someone like that cut you open? It’s a horrifying thought.

If our intentions are truly for the betterment of the people we love we have a responsibility to tread carefully and be honest with our ability to help and not hurt. Also, be careful who you allow to become close enough to have access to those eyes that might have a speck of dust in them or a log. Any offers of advice or actionable help should be given with respect, not condescension.

Also, if we do not enter into friendship with honest intentions we run the risk of damaging someone’s ability to trust.

Some things to consider about our friendships:

Do we truly enjoy the person we are investing time and advice in, and do they enjoy us?

Are we confident in the friendship would last if the ‘help’ being offered is refused or doesn’t work?

Are we free to reject the advice being given?

I have said it before while writing this series on friendship, but relationships are hard, complex, and also worth the work. Unless it’s a doctor-to-patient/counsellor-to-client relationship, its purpose is not to ‘fix’ but to support.

Is there something you would like to add to this discussion? Please do so in the comment section. This write-up is by no means an extensive guild to friendship, but if it’s made you think, it’s done its job. Thank you for reading.

Mary Grace van der Kroef


Websites referenced in this article:

Bible Gateway


Previous Post – On Friendship: In Person

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Virtual Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Giving Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ What if Youโ€™re Afraid of It?


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On Friendship: In Person

Old fashioned, shoulder-to-shoulder, roll up your sleeves together, yell and scream if you need to then make-up kind of friendships, have always been on the scarce side. But today’s world of separation, ‘othering’ of people who believe differently than you, alienated families, and virtual meeting places have almost rendered them visibly extinct. Those of you who still retain the closest of in-person human friendships, please know you are truly blessed.

Fighting for those kinds of relationships is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears. But take note I didn’t say peaceful friendships, easy friendships, or quiet friendships, although those kinds are also a blessing and very important. It’s the friendships we must fight for that tend to grow the deepest strongest roots, and in times of trouble as well as calm produce the sweetest fruits. I also don’t believe that this level of deepness can be reached in a virtual friendship.

If you read last week’s post On Friendship: Virtual Friendship you will know I’m in no way against online relationships. In fact, I think they are pretty important in this changing world. But, they should never take the place of in-person interactions if we can help it. Face-to-face communication and connection are what humans were built for.

“Fighting for those kinds of relationships is worth every drop of sweat, blood, and tears. “

So what do modern in-person friendships look like these days? I don’t think casual friendships have changed all that much over the last few decades. It’s still about going out with friends for drinks, catching a movie, and sharing a laugh. Going and doing is still very much a part of it all, especially for younger people. It’s the ‘staying and being’ that I have seen change. We are so busy that we slip friends into the rush of our lives but tend to exclude them from the quiet moments when we come up for breath from the busyness. Have they become just another responsibility we long to take a break from? Friendship is work, and building a friendship to a deep level requires A LOT of time. So yes, we are so busy that the modern human often lumps friends into a group of draining activities. This is true for introverts especially. But I think extroverts are much more tired than they might realize.

Why is this?

We have lost the ability to ‘rest’ in friendship. Of course, this isn’t going to be true for everyone and every relationship, but since relationships take work to build and we are so busy we often don’t have in-person time for each other. Fewer and fewer of us are able to form friendships we can ‘rest’ in. Friendships where you don’t feel like you have to show up looking and feeling your best to participate. Even for an introvert, just being with someone who enjoys your presence so much that the messy living room doesn’t matter, gives you rest. Friendships where you can just be you, and you know you are wanted, friendships where silence is acceptable and the need to entertain each other isn’t constant while still sharing each other’s company, are a lost art form.

I remember those friendships, and I long for them with a deep ache. Have you ever experienced companionship like that?

“Have they become just another responsibility we long to take a brake from?”

This kind of friendship that you can ‘rest’ in is also going to look different for each of us since we all have our unique ways we show love and receiving it in turn. But it’s become exceedingly rare to KNOW someone at that kind of level. We just don’t have time for it.

Or do we?

There is another reason for this I’ve been mulling over. In our collective growing exhaustion, we’ve all become very needy people. We sometimes need much more from our relationships with others than we can give in return. This creates a deficit in relationships. Friendships should be a give and a take.

So what do we do when we simply can NOT give the same as what someone else is offering us? Or what do we do when a friend asks for more than they can give back?

I think we need to realize that everyone brings something to the table of friendships, it’s being able to recognize exactly what that is first, and not expect to get something they are not able to offer. We do not want our friendships to become co-dependencies. Boundaries, even while endeavouring to form strong bonds, are important. Being able to respect the boundaries of others is equally as important.

Friendship isn’t always about doing fun things, sometimes it looks like cleaning someone’s living room before leaving their house, not to shame them, but to give them a few more moments of rest in their day. Or letting someone act out their offer of help to clear the table when we’ve invited them for a dinner party. This thought is going to horrify some of you. That’s okay, as they are only a few examples of letting someone step out of an entertainment role and inviting them into a more active role in a relationship. Perhaps for some, it might simply be asking advice, and taking the time to truly listen to the ideas offered back. (With cell phones left in pockets while others talk) The point is being ACTIVELY engaged in each other’s lives. Not just having fun.

“Friendship isn’t always about doing fun things, sometimes it looks like cleaning someone’s living room before leaving their house, not to shame them, but to give them a few more moments of rest in their day.”

To cultivate long-lasting and deep in-person friendships our perspectives need to change. Going out isn’t always going to be possible. But sitting together in someone back yard or living room is something almost everyone can afford. I love the kind of people who want to spend that kind of time with me, especially when they don’t care if my hair is properly brushed or not. Doing life together doesn’t always look like ‘doing and going’. But doing life together is what friendship is all about.

What do you think? It’s not possible for me to explore every part of in-person friendship in a single blog post. I would LOVE to hear your ideas in the comments. Want me to write about something specifically? Let me know. Disagree with me? I would love to hear why.

How do you prioritize and maintain in-person friendships? How do you open the door for those relationships to grow beyond casual friendships?

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef


Previous Post – On Friendship: Virtualย Friendship

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Receiving and Givingย Forgiveness

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Enemy

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: My First Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: What is it?

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: The Word Friend

Previous Post โ€“ On Friendship: Introduction

Forthcoming Post โ€“ On Friendship: Friend Doesnโ€™t Mean Project

Forthcoming Post – What if You’re Afraid of It?


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Sweet Little Toes

Little toes, ten in a row

Through fraying cloth, they peek
A wriggle, a giggle, off they go!
To dash and then to sneak

Those little toes will not be tamed
With cloth or shoes that reek
Always dancing even prancing
Shedding socks through grass to streak

Be blessed sweet little toes
Are you brave today or meek?
Your giving joy, despite being coy,
Spreading your unique mystique

Copyright ยฉ2020 Mary Grace van der Kroef


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On Friendship: Introduction

There has been something on my heart for a while now, but I couldn’t decide how to express it until now. That thing is friendship and the lack of it in today’s modern society. This lack is not something new, and it may not be something everyone experiences, but I’ve felt it and seen it creeping like a shadow over my social circles and family for years.

What has happened to true friendship?

What is it? Do we still know?

Is it worth it in today’s society?

Has it changed over the years?

Can we find it again after losing it?

These are a few of the questions I would like to explore for the next few months.

The plan is to do this slowly, taking time to mull over the word ‘friend’ itself first and what it means. Then moving on to related words and personal experiences I’ve had. If there’s anything in particular, you would like to me write about, drop a comment below and I’ll do my best to add it to the list. Got a question about friendship? Ask it and we can explore it together.

Do you have friends? Many? A few? Just one?

Are they good friends, or do you consider them fair weather?

Are YOU a friend? A good one? A bad one?

Do you want to learn how to be a better friend?

I won’t profess that I’m any kind of expert on the subject, but I also won’t shy away from the fact that it’s very important to me and I have learned how to be a good friend. I’m one of those people who love very deeply. If I make a friend in person I will never forget them.

I believe friendship is one of the most important things to build within human relationships. We all crave the intimacy and connection that it holds. So why does it seem like it’s becoming harder and harder to find in a true, or strong form? Or am I perhaps mistaken and friendships are thriving, but it’s me who has for some reason become blind to it? This is also a possibility.

What do YOU think? Is friendship on the decline?

Copyright ยฉ2023 Mary Grace van der Kroef


Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: The Word Friend

Forthcoming Post – On Friendship: The Word Enemy


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Grandma’s Somethings

Something she needed.
Gathering sticks with a clackity clack.

Something she knew.
A rake with handle true.

Something she loved.
Crisp, fresh air.

Something she did.
Feeding burn barrel natures spares.

Something she taught.
God loves you.

Something she chose.
The right voices for reading Oscar the Grouch.

Someone I will never forget.
Grandma.


ยฉ2022 Mary Grace van der Kroef


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Candy’s Dream

Candy screamed as a torrent of pink sugary syrup soaked her from head to toe. It coated the rocks she was climbing over, making them treacherously wet, yet sticky.

The wind smelled of frosting, butter heavy and bitingly sweet. She wished she could stop to throw up, but she had to find Almond. She didnโ€™t know how she knew, but her child was in trouble. The syrup formed a crust over everything it touched.

Another splash caught her foot as she risked a jump to a large semi flat bolder just to the right. The strange liquid swirled down the crevices between the large stones. It just wasnโ€™t right. Pink syrup coated rocks.

The shell forming over her skin and clothes crackled as she moved. Sharp edges of solidified sugar pricking her as she tried to sweep it off her arms.

โ€œWho thought up this nightmare?โ€

The rock wall now at her back confined what looked like a large pink lake. Ahead of her, the boulders fused and formed solid ground. Here and there she could see green tufts growing. What looked like grass stood straight up, like spikes. Or had fallen to the side and lay shattered on the ground. It wasnโ€™t grass, but dried shards of sugar, sculpted in to deadly sharp greenery.

โ€œHello.โ€
The sound made her jump.
โ€œWho are you?โ€

Panicked pounded behind her rib cage, and she thought she caught Almondโ€™s high-pitched voice floating in the air.
Candy spun in circles as she pawed at the sugar on her face and hands

โ€œA human? You donโ€™t belong here.โ€
โ€œIs this your nightmare? Where is my daughter?โ€

There was no answer. But a strange sound caught her attention. Again she spun. Tears stung her eyes and dissolved the sugar crystals clutching her lashes.

A strange horse wandered in to view. It eyed her warily, then bent its neck to lick the green spikes growing out of the rock.

โ€œThis is so wrong.โ€
โ€œJudgy are we?โ€

The horse lifted its head and glared at her, pointing with a long, bright horn protruding from its forehead.

โ€œIโ€™m dreaming.โ€
โ€œYes, you might be.โ€
โ€œWhereโ€™s Almond?โ€
โ€œI donโ€™t know.โ€

Candy turned and walk away. The creatureโ€™s unnaturally bright eyes sent shivers down her spine. She broke into a run, the sugar flaking from her shoes and crunching underfoot. Or was it? She looked down to see the rocks themselves crumpling beneath her feet, as if her weight had broken a candy coating. Her soles sank into thick mud.

โ€œMommy!โ€
โ€œAlmond! Baby, where are you?โ€

Her throat was dry and her call fell at her feet instead of carrying on the air blocked by the butter heavy scent.
She felt her shoes sink farther. A disgusting sucking sound followed when she lifted a foot and a nasty squish came when she pressed a foot down looking for solid grown.
She tripped in the muck, dropping her hands into the mud, but it wasnโ€™t mud. With her face so close she knew it for what it was, thick dark chocolate. A thin brown candy coating crunched beneath her hands as it broke beneath her. She was being sucked in.

โ€œHumans donโ€™t belong in Candy Land,โ€ said the unicorn. It had trotted up behind her as she thrashed in the dark, liquefying chocolate. โ€œTheir bodies emit too much heat, melting our chocolate hills.โ€
โ€œHelp, please!โ€
โ€œWhy should I?โ€
It stood stark still, pure white main and tail sweeping the confection ground.
โ€œYou should go home, human.โ€
โ€œPlease, my daughter!โ€
But it was too late. The chocolate melting around her body bubbled up. Candy felt the air bubbles bursting behind her head and next, she slid completely under the thick pool.
โ€œWhat a pity,โ€ the unicorn mumbled.

Chocolate filled her mouth before she could remember to close it. She was drowning as it burned her throat and nostrils. Her body tried to take in air, unaware it was killing itself faster. Down, down, it sucked her. The sensation, along with air deprivation, made her head spin.

The chocolate earth spat her out. She had fallen all the way through its sweet and bitter layers. There was the sound of crunching and a steady dripping from overhead as she landed hard on something not quite firm, but flaky.

โ€œMommy!โ€
Almond was close. She had to keep moving. But Candyโ€™s oxygen deprived brain held her back.
โ€œIโ€™m coming, baby…โ€

She cried, her tears mixing with the chocolate on her dipped face.

It was dark, but not pitch black. A strange glow warmed the walls of this strange pastry like prison. The ceiling was solidifying above her and the dripping slowed. Crunch, crunch. The crackly and sliding layers under foot were unnerving.

โ€œAlmond, where are you!โ€

โ€œHere Mommy! Here! Iโ€™m stuck.โ€
โ€œIโ€™m coming!โ€

The warm glow of the walls broke in places, revealing dark tunnels that ran throughout this strange place. She followed one, Almonds hiccuping cries driving her forward.

After a sharp turn, a cavern opened up before her. Its walls glowing a healthy pie pastry brown.
โ€œHere Mama!โ€
Almond was wrapped in a ball of what looked like flour and sugar.
โ€œMommy, is this your dream or mine?โ€
โ€œI donโ€™t know baby.โ€
Almondโ€™s head and hands protruded from the heavy ball and her tears had created a dark spot just under her chin. Candy sunk a finger in to that dark spot. It was softer than the rest, and she pulled chunks of compacted flour away and threw it to the ground.

โ€œI love you Mamma.โ€
โ€œI love you too.โ€
โ€œHow did you get in there, baby?โ€
โ€œI donโ€™t know. I just woke up like this.โ€

The ground grew littered with handfuls of white gloop. Candy didnโ€™t care where she threw. It was slow, but gradually Almondโ€™s shoulders and then torso appeared. Her little girl wiggled, trying to loosen the surrounding substance.

Finally, all but Almondโ€™s feet and were free and both mother and daughter grabbed at it to be rid of the last few hand fulls.

โ€œBreath baby.โ€
Almond just nodded as her chest heaved with anxiety and half released sobs.
โ€œMom!โ€

The scream pierced Candyโ€™s eardrums as she gripped her daughter. Almond was staring at the ceiling as a bright light broke through the solid chocolate.

The unicorn cutter the solid chocolate rocks with its horn stomping on the edges to crumble them away.

โ€œThere you are. Itโ€™s time you both go home. What a mess!โ€

The creature jumped through the opening it made, landing effortlessly on the crusty surface. The light from the bubble gum blue sky made Candy blink.
โ€œHow do we get home? Just tell us the way and weโ€™ll go.โ€
โ€œThere is only one way… What have you been doing? Tarring Candy Land to pieces?โ€
The unicorn pointed to the globs of white littering the floor.
โ€œI had to free my daughter.โ€
โ€œWell, she shouldnโ€™t have dreamt herself into a half-baked ball.โ€

Unicorn eyes flashed rainbows around the cave and tried to bore a hole through mother and child.
โ€œIt wasnโ€™t on purpose. Just tell us how to get home.โ€
โ€œYou wonโ€™t like it.โ€
โ€œTell us, and you will never have to see us again.โ€
Fear shiver over Candies skin as the unicorn stepped closer.
โ€œStay still.โ€
โ€œWhy? What are you going to do?โ€

Candy forced herself to stand her ground. But dropped Almond behind her. The child wrapped her arms around her motherโ€™s legs and buried her face against denim fabric.
โ€œMommy?โ€
โ€œItโ€™s okay Almond.โ€
โ€œHow do you wake up from a dream human?โ€

The unicorn was close now, its eyes spinning rainbows as it lowered its horn slightly.
โ€œI donโ€™t know…โ€
The beast cut her off as it punched its horn through her chocolate-covered chest, stabbing her heart.

There was cold sweat soaking the collar of her shirt as she jolted awake. The room was dark. Candy found herself half laying on the cold floor, half on the low bed, Almondโ€™s small hand curled against hers. She breathed a sigh of relief.
The small digital clock on the bedside table shone 12:42. She groaned with tired cold muscles, pushing herself up and tiptoeing from the room.

The kitchen lights had been turned down, leaving only the counter LEDs to guide her to the sink. They cast soft amber beams around the room.

โ€œWhat a nightmare. I guess I shouldnโ€™t lick the frosting bowl before bed next time.โ€

Joking about it pushed the dream to the edges of memory, a fussy shadow with bitter sprinkles at its heart.

She opened the fridge to check the cake and make sure that Greg hadnโ€™t laid it on top of anything smooshable, and jumped when rainbow swirl eyes stairs back at her from the innocent unicorn face she had painted across the white birthday cake. Almost dropping the glass she still held, she slammed the fridge closed.

ยฉ2022 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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Red Lollypop

I think I want a
red one. Wrapped in plastic.
Sticky sugar treat.

Plastic never comes
clean off. Always a remnant
to pick, flick away.

Remember not to
run, paper stick hanging from
a happy red grin.

ยฉ2022 Mary Grace van der Kroef


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Lava Worm

Was it a shriek of delight or fear? She didn’t know as it forced its way from her chest to the cavity of her mouth. A little heart pounded the rhythm of it as it bubbled into an audible note.

“Stay back. You can’t catch me.”

The floor moved. The carpet rippling right before her eyes. Its colours swimming and shifted, a living thing.

“Hurry!” the others yelled at her as they bounced up and down in excitement. “Its rising!”

She stood on her pillow, feet sinking into its marshmallow softness.
She danced like a cat.

“Now, May!”

Her body moved before her mind, responding to the call. The marshmallow softness was her downfall. Toes slid, the truth of its betrayal apparent in a second that stretched to an hour in a single heartbeat.

“No.”

White sock stained brown on the bottom touched carpet. Hands held before her broke the fall, and she giggled with gleeful horror as the waves of colour splashed.

“She’s done for.” The pain in Carter’s voice rocked her back to reality. His terror was exaggerated, but real.

Another scream bubbled out as her ankles were grabbed and the friction of carpet on prone stomach threatened a burn.

“I’ve EATEN you May!”

The blanket muffled the voice, rainbow patterns shifting with movement.

“You have to join me.”
“I know, I know.”

Her breathless reply held only a mite of disapproval. Her chest still rose and fell with heavy adrenaline induced gasps. She grasped the offered corner of his blanket, eyes sparking.

“The worm GROWS!”

They yell the words together. The trumpet of doom.

“RUN!”

ยฉ2021 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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Cherishing People While Creating

Itโ€™s thrilling, letting yourself get swept away in the moment of creation… Then someone interrupts you. A child tugs on your sleeve, or the phone rings. A spouse calls from down the hall, โ€œAre you done yet?โ€

Do you shake off that tug on your arm, mute the phone, and ignore the calling? Can you? Should you?

Creativity is precious, we should cultivate and protect it. Having a space for this is ideal, having a time when distractions and interruptions are at a minimum is important. But there are people in our lives that canโ€™t, and shouldnโ€™t be ignored. Itโ€™s a balancing act.

The people in our lives are important. They support our creativity in ways we often take for granted. We shouldnโ€™t ignore them. Not only shouldnโ€™t we ignore them, but they are a pivotal part of our creation process.

In many cases they are directly, or indirectly, our inspiration. We get many of our ideas from watching them, talking with them, living with them, and all the ups and downs that go with that.

As a mother and wife, I sacrifice my creative life to care for and nurture my family. I have obligations, expectations and jobs I can NOT ignore. Families need attention, children need nurturing. But is it ever okay to say, โ€œNo, not right now, I need this time?โ€

Yes. Sometimes itโ€™s healthy, and even important, to set boundaries around our creative endeavors. They are a part of us. When humans walk in their creative abilities, positivity flows out into the world. Finding the right place and time for that pulling away is the hard part, and the key to a thriving creative life amid people.

When I first became a mother, my kids became my entire world. But I let go of something that I never should have lost. My creativity. I stopped drawing, except doodles for the kids to color. I stopped learning and pushing myself artistically. I even stop writing, only picking it up once or twice a year when a fleeting spark touched my life. Because I let this part of me go, my soul suffered.

I didnโ€™t know how to balance my creativity around the people important to me. But now that I have found my creative spark again, itโ€™s a learning process. Like learning to juggle. But itโ€™s one of the most important lessons of my life.

Do not lessen your light in this world by letting God given trats or abilities die. Instead, seek to learn how to incorporate new people, places, and responsibilities into your creativity.

Who are the people in your daily life that inspire you? Who are the ones that test you? Who adds flavor to your hours?

Cherish them, friends, family, and prickly people alike. I look forward to seeing them represented in your creative works.

ยฉ2021 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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