Inhale Prayer

Fragile breath
a prayer tonight.

Shallow fighting for life.

Colorless gas,
absent of mass.

Until compressed inside vessels of glass.

Fragile vessels that never last.

Breathing in prayer.
Forcing out air.

Living worship,
existing praise,
humbled awe in gasps are raised.

All fragile breath,
never owned.

Revitalizing flesh and bone.
A gift,
on loan.

Incense sweet before the Throne.
Breaths are prayers,
all on their own.

©2021 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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The Day I Prayed to Die

The day I prayed to die,
I didn’t need any more why’s.
Wasn’t looking for reply’s,
there were no tears left to cry.

The day I prayed to die.

I wasn’t seeking heaven’s gate,
didn’t know if hell would be my fate.
Just knew I couldn’t longer wait,
to reach the end of livings state.

The day I prayed to die.

Question it a selfish prayer?
Of others, I was keenly aware.
But my pain just didn’t care,
it had become too much to bare.

The day I prayed to die.

No longer worth the constant strain,
exhaustion was my daily chain.
I knew I could no longer feign,
on others, I was now a drain.

The day I prayed to die.

Better just to cease to be,
everyone would then be free.
Grieve then moved away from me,
was my unstable inner plea.

The day I prayed to die.

I got no answer on that day.
Silent heaven wouldn’t life betray.
A barred path to its doorway.
Hell also couldn’t let me pay.

The day I prayed to die.

That day passed into the next,
continuation left me vexed.
I was blinded and perplexed.
“God, please, no more checks.”

Again, I prayed to die.

With no end and no relief,
exhaustion now pared with grief.
Greif was growing disbelief,
my prayer demanded a debrief.

Yes, I prayed to die.

Anger at the silent space,
God’s hand, I couldn’t trace.
Left me reeling, self disgrace,
numb to mercy’s embrace.

Still, I prayed to die.

Yet, God’s grace held true.
By degrees, it ever grew.
Working on my tainted view.
Willing to pull me through.

Even though I prayed to die.

See, my God will have his way.
His hand carry’s every day.
Promises will ever stay,
when his child walks astray,

or even prays to die.

Slowly life changing me,
life I wished I could flee.
Locked to earth by God’s decree.
Not my life, but his, you see.

He wouldn’t let me die.

Here I am, still in the mix.
God knows, I’m no easy fix.
Though I’m still one, he picks,
whatever life inflicts.

Steady prayers still fly,
though none ask to die.

©2021 Mary Grace van der Kroef

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Unbelieving Prayer

Stand on the threshold
the confessional of prayer.
Standing never kneeling
unbelief hangs in the air.

Say words despite feeling
no one is really there.
Recite the memorized
without feeling, love or care.

Tradition of a motion
learned while very young.
Hands to fold eyes to close
songs that have been sung.

Knowledge that was planted
yet never truly learned.
Leaves emptiness,
righteousness unearned.

Stepping from the threshold
time to make a choice.
Can you hear God calling you?
Or only your own voice

Unbelieving pray
I believe is still a door.
Desire for belief
a seed with faith it’s core.

©Mary Grace van der Kroef 2020

Painful Prayers

The words
Thoughts
Tears
I pray
Finally
See light of day

As they fall
Cascade
Flow
My aching heart
Begins to grow

Grow
Stretch
Tear
Heal
Scars to show
Loves tight seal

Sealed
Held
Treasured
Found
Truth revealed
Lessons profound

Prayers of pain
Relief
Grief
Necessary
Foster belief

Thankfulness
Lined with love
Gifts received
From up above

Painful prayers
Hopes
Dreams
You already know
All my extremes

©Mary Grace van der Kroef 2020